[to the person sitting next to me on my flight] where u headed
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My velour track pants say ‘antidisestablishmentarianism’ on one cheek and ‘juicy’ on the other
Age 25: I need cute shoes for this event.
Age 45: I need cute shoes for this event that I can also wear to work and walk several miles in, don’t make me look old or like I’m trying too hard, won’t hurt my little toe or lower back, will last a minimum of 10 years & are on sale.
I was just in line at the store and standing awkwardly and tried to put my hands in my pockets but my jeans don’t have pockets and THIS IS WHY WOMEN ARE ALWAYS ANGRY
Daughter: Daddy, I want to reach out and touch a star
Me: Yeah, well, that would incinerate the both of us instantly so I don’t think so
Heading to an estate sale to collect some cool stuff for my estate sale when I die.
I’m not saying my wife orders a lot from Amazon but one of their drivers sent us a wedding invitation.
Damn Girl, are you a violin solo in a Dave Matthews song? Cuz you go on forever.
Welcome to your 40s, being amazing in bed now is just not waking up your partner with your snoring.
Tf Chris Rock thought Will was coming up there to do? Get Jiggy w/ it 😂😭😂😭
The perfect introvert’s party cake doesn’t exis…
Sometimes, you have to ask yourself: is my potato cheating on me?
in a really good place right now!! (ordered something off the sandwich menu and it turned out to be a “toast” and i almost started crying)
7’s new favorite animal is the spider.
He tells me fact after fact about them, he’s made the background of his school iPad a spider, and he shows me pictures constantly.
I’ve been a pretty good mom, so I’m not sure what I did to deserve this.
Computer keyboards should have a removable crumb tray, like toaster ovens.
Somewhere there’s a bat that witnessed their parents murder who now dresses like a human.
When I’m mad at someone I say “no pun intended” when there wasn’t a pun and leave them trying to find it.
This might be me.
Follow me for more tips.
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
When are they going to drug test the audience of “The Price Is Right.”? No one should be that happy.
Big shout-out to the guy in Costco buying a lifetime supply of what he thinks are the right size diapers.
I’m renovating and I can’t decide if I should start with the plumbing in the kitchen or the pool.
It’s either sink or swim.
#PlumbingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
“No, the bubble isn’t a circle it’s a sphere.” – Keeping this uppity four year old in check.
[First date]
HER: I want a man who is intensely passionate when he sees something he wants
ME: PASS THE FREAKING SALT
Hungover this morning, just accidentally flushed my toilet again right after I’d flushed it and found myself apologizing to it, aloud. So I guess quarantine has turned me into a Canadian?
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one today.
Anyway. Monkey for sale.
Shamrocks are the most dishonest of all the rocks.
My houseplants watching me put water in the espresso machine
Yah I ordered a large pizza but it’s thin crust/ light cheese so basically it’s a salad .
No one told me my life would become so much googling it
if you can’t judge a book by its cover then graphic design is a big fat lie