馃懢馃懢馃懢
You Might Also Like
Which herbal tea goes best with heroin?
Gonna swing by church later and see if anybody gave up anything I want.
Nothing is more reliable than a sleeve sliding down your arm as you鈥檙e washing your hands
Being a grammar perfectionist with big hamds and a small keyboard is the reason I have amger issues.
Men鈥檚 underwear watching them buy more t shirts
when someone corrects my pronunciation of a word, my brain immediately snaps to how many polite people just nodded and let me sound dumb before
Actually, Sleeping Beauty is the name of the movie. You mean your favorite Disney princess is Aurora. Though I鈥檓 not sure how she can be your favorite if you don鈥檛 even know her name.
Woman at Starbucks ahead of me: Please stop correcting my daughter. She鈥檚 5.
Date: You shouldn’t be using a straw
Me: I know, I know, it’s bad for the environment
Date: It’s just a weird way to eat spaghetti
Old enough to remember when infectious laughter had a positive connotation
Cop: License and registration
Me: Sure. *opens glove compartment; twenty eight packs of expired ketchup, three pairs of sunglasses and the Crown Jewels of Ireland fall out* Sorry. Just a sec
When someone yells “Fire!” at my house, I’ll be the first to leap from the toilet and fall flat on my face because my legs fell asleep
Is it still an alien abduction if I packed a suitcase?
99 bottles of beer on the wall?
Challenge accepted
Karma has taught me to never laugh at a stranger being attacked by a seagull.
This looks like Wile E. Coyote trying to catch a hypochondriac Roadrunner:
My grandparents had a Radio and had 9 kids; My parents had a TV and had 3 kids; and I have Twitter and I think the family ends here.
Whenever I go grocery shopping I make sure I’m stuck behind the people who have never seen food on shelves before.
when bread gets all hard we throw it away but when it’s toast we’re like yay breakfast
Friend: What鈥檚 it like having a tween daughter?
Me: *pretends I didn鈥檛 hear her*
[to girl i just brought home] watch your step, i was playing with my legos earlier
Job interviewer: What are your strengths?
Me: Is the next question going to be about weaknesses?
JI: Yes.
Me: I’m very perceptive.
When you’re in the shower, and you hear loud thumps and you think
“THEY’RE KILLING MY FAMILY, AND I’LL HAVE TO FIGHT THE ATTACKER NAKED”
When my family makes me mad, I make them eat quinoa. I am drunk with power
To its credit, only like 8% of doing the Macarena involves heiling Hitler.
Art Teacher: your drawings are due tomorrow
me: [hours later] maybe add in some grapes
police sketch artist: ..a bowl of fruit attacked you?
To avoid eating all the Halloween candy, I got tiny Bibles to hand out instead but, nope, I’ve eaten all those too.
Cat: I want attention.
Me: *pets cat*
Cat: the f*** you think you鈥檙e doing??
i love it when my pets sigh like what ails you my little unemployed freeloader
Her: You’re so skeptical of everything.
Me: I can’t believe you just said that.