Me: “Jesus, please make me a better person…”
Jesus: *deletes my account*
Me: “NOT LIKE THAT!”
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In order to catch herpes…
You need to think like a herpe.
everyone is motivated by something different. for some folks it’s money, for others it’s a paycheck. some people are even motivated by cash hitting their bank account. others do it for the love of getting paid.
I missed a swipe when shaving my legs and now my leg has a mohawk
Oh that’s not nicotine stains on my fingers. That’s mustard. I don’t smoke anything besides ham sandwiches.
Pls tell me if you can do drunk texting better than this 😂😂
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
Remember, you can become haunted by a ghost whenever you want. You’re an adult.
-Knock Knock!
-Who is it?
-The love of your life.
– 🙂 Really?
-Hahahaha no, it’s the pizza you ordered.
The last time I had sex, there was a dinosaur in the cave with us.
amazon prime: select delivery window
me: *types* the bathroom one
If a tree falls in the woods it should break into a light jog so it looks like it did it on purpose.
Me: I’m nervous about mingling at the party
Wife: Just talk about stuff anyone can relate to[Party]
Me: HI I UNDERSTAND YOU TOO ARE HUMAN
I may be a woman but I know all about off-road adventuring. Your tyres need to be soft when driving in sand so just make little holes in your tyres. Stab stab stab.
Follow me for more adventuring tips.
I bought a new BMI smart scale so that I could have a technologically advanced and detailed reason to cry every morning.
[1st date]
Her: I love quail
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Cher
M: Omg me too!
H: Love men
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Pepsi
M: WTF is wrong with you?
They don’t seem to abduct humans like they used to; looks like we are not the only planet with government science-funding budget cuts. Sad.
A relationship so stable you can buy concert tickets 4 months in advance >>
Jesus: the bread is my body
Judas: *cutting carbs* I see
Today I spent an extra $10 to get to $50, just so I could get a $15 gift card. My wife is so proud.
Whoever invented popcorn deserves the Medal of Honor for not panicking after the first 45 seconds.
Give me the unsend button you stupid bird
GOD: ask me anything
ME: why aren’t there middlecase letters?
GOD: *reaching for a button labeled “flood the earth again”*
[dark alley]
DRUG DEALER: *hands me the stuff*
ME [extremely street smart]: does this come in a generic version?
I walk around my yard with a fake neck tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
My kid just asked if I was alive in 1871 so home schooling is going well
your mom gives me a small baked snack. it’s on a napkin. idk where the trash can is so I just eat that too
Had to Google, “Nice way to say selfish” for a recommendation today.
Friend zone?!
I’ve been sister zoned! And if one more dude pats me on the head, I’m telling mom!!
[first day]
Head Chef: Careful, the stove will burn you
Me: I’ll be fine
Stove: Your girlfriend left you for a better looking, funnier version of you