Friend: you’ve been acting weird ever since you won that hundred dollars
Me: what ever do you mean, old sport?
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I dated a guy who always kneeled and prayed before sex. I still don’t know if he was scared of what I’d do or thankful. Either way, amen.
You know where I’d like to go?
Missing
My conservative, 94-year-old grandfather and I don’t see eye to eye on a lot, but every now and then, I’m reminded of our similarities. Today, he emailed me a video asking a really important question—what if we put all of our trash in volcanoes?
Sally: I Love You Mommy!
Me: Melts into a puddle.
Sally(5 minutes later to her breakfast): I Love You Waffles.
Me: Oh. ☹️
Why is called an “extraction” and not an “amputeeth”?
Screw an edit button I want people to know immediately when I block them
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them.
This is not a coincidence.
Marry someone the same size as you to avoid decades of annoyance adjusting the seats and mirrors in the car
bout dat hot dog summer
A dying fire will always attract a dad with a stick who will poke it twice and say, “…that should do it.”
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
The Bangles neglected to mention Manic Monday is followed by Trauma Tuesday, Wacko Wednesday, and Therapy Thursday.
What I said: Brush your teeth.
What my 4yo heard: Use the toothbrush to clean the bathroom floor.
Alright so I have a pretty good joke for if Pirates Of The Carribean was nominated for several academy awards and lost all of them that the host could say and it’s this: “I’ve heard of not a dry eye in the house, but not an aye aye in the house?”
Him: Favorite workout? Me: Pilates. Him: Why? Me: Because we lay down for an hour.
me: i am not a religious person i prefer to use science as my basis for belief
also me: potato chips taste different when you open the bag from the bottom
Me: [first person to scratch my nails against a chalkboard]
Wife: STOP THAT
Me: Why?
Wife: It’s like…
Me: It’s like what
Wife: It’s definitely like something
In some countries your Honor, a nude man painted in bronze while urinating in a public fountain would be considered art.
Writer: a cartoon about 4 teenage turtles and a rat
Exec: not convinced
Writer: they’re mutants?
Exec: it needs to appeal to kids
Writer: they’re named after renaissance artists
You should marry the first person who can understand what you’re saying while you brush your teeth.
If I could have dinner with anyone, dead and alive, it would definitely be Schrodinger’s cat.
11 days into a low carb detox and having fantasies of swimming in spaghetti wearing an Italian bread bikini
[twirling my bra above my head like a helicopter and it gets stuck on the ceiling fan, im launched thru window into neighbors yard]
me: hey
If you live a certain type of lifestyle, you can tell a colleague, “And then the mice sent an assassin who tried to kill me,” and there won’t even be any follow-up questions.
Remember when we used to call the “self check-out” – ‘Theft’?
[first date]
HER: So, I hear you’re a dog person-
ME: [tucking my tail between my legs] WHO TOLD YOU
I lost my wife’s audiobook… and now I’ll never hear the end of it!
If my boyfriend ever cheated on me I’d be like omg I have a boyfriend 🙂
I like wearing a pullover because the name is also instructions. There’s none of the trial and error that comes with other types of clothing. You just pull it straight over your legs.