How crazy is it that we used to say “three and a half inch floppy” with a straight face
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Yes we left some guests inside the park last night. yes we’re going back for them. Calm down
well, that freaky sound coming from the basement was just the pipes going wonky
of course, I didn’t have a basement this morning, so that’s a whole different problem
Whenever someone asks how i’m doing & walks away before i answer..I write “GREAT” on the side of thier car with my keys!
If you throw a pot of boiling spaghetti at someone’s face and it sticks, it’s done.
I’ve never done Russian Roulette, but I have been in a public bathroom stall with a child who knows how to open doors.
is it pronounced stephen or stefan? anyways he’s now pronounced dead, sorry about your dad kid *ruffles hair*
Bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you.
I’m the hottest mom hiding from her family in this pantry right now.
[Police sketch artist job interview]
“How am I not qualified?”
Your resume is a stick figure and a poorly drawn igloo
“It’s a cat actually”
So apparently a no-fly list isn’t a comprehensive log of all other insects.
Mummies are just super modest zombies
I remember the exact moment growing up when I came to know that a babysitter was not someone who sat on babies.
You can never be accused of overstaying your welcome, if you don’t go anywhere.
wife: are you drunk?
me: define “drunk”
w: impaired by an excess of alcohol
m: define “excess”
w: yeah, you’re drunk
m: define “you’re”
People complain about their looks, but no one complains about their brains.
If you’re renting, and your landlord has a no pets policy, you can keep bats as long as you pretend to be mad about it.
Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite. Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?
I love the way everyone who uses hand sanitizer looks like they’re hatching some kind of evil plan.
Maternal instincts are incredible. For example, now that I’m a mom, I automatically start salivating if someone uncorks a bottle of wine within a half mile radius of my location.
MORPHEUS: choose the red pill or the blue pill
NEO: which one turns into the coolest dinosaur
(at the gym). Hey can somebody spot me while I walk up the stairs?
Note to self:
Next time your migraine specialist asks “How’s your head?” Don’t reply with “No man has ever complained.”
Sometimes, when I am matching socks, I think, “What if these two socks don’t even like each other?”
Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to “what would you do if you won the lottery”
[Commercial for Milk]
Tired of dipping your hot dog in boring old water?!
My “snooze” button should just be called the “nope, no yoga today” button.
guy: man this water is warm
extremely narcissistic Luke: nah it’s not that warm this is like a different kind of warm tbh
If you aggressively tailgate me in traffic, I will get over and let you pass. And then I’m gonna become your new best friend until one of us exits.
My lucky number is 17 so I’m really hoping that 2017 is finally going to be my year. Otherwise, I’ll have to change my lucky number again.
Me: Well, today sucked.
Him: It’s 9 AM.