Anyone who didn’t invent something in the 1400s was an idiot
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I wont play GI Joes with my nephew until he learns to play it right. He’s 4 years old, he should know better than to drag Vader into this.
Looking back, my financial health took a turn for the worse right after I broke my piggy bank.
Caught the neighbor kid teasing my dog, so his mom told me to yell at him any time I like.
I had a bad day, I’m gonna go see if he’s home.
The best part about Whole Foods is if you ask for a bag the cashier will look at you like you drowned a baby giraffe with your bare hands
Me: Look, it’s malfunctioning. You’ll have to trust me on this.
Tech support: Ma’am, this is a kid.
8yo: Dad, can I eat on the couch?
Me: Sure, as long as you’re carefu-
8yo: I spilled my drink
Me: Of course
It’ll be neat when Taylor and Travis break up. Instead of writing an angsty song about him, she can just buy the Chiefs and move them to Singapore.
[1st Row at Beyoncé Concert]
Beyoncé: Who run da world?! *points mic at me*
ME: [having briefly heard the song once before] …squirrels?
*Bruno Mars on the radio*
Wife: Would you catch a grenade for me?
Brain: Just say, YES!
Me: Has the pin been pulled?
Brain: Idiot!
Came home to find 13 doing the dishes without being asked.
Now I’m just waiting on the police to get here with the news of whatever he did.
Who does Amazon think I am?
girlfriend: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [whispering] babe that’s so rude, just order your own
I bought my dog a new bed because apparently a living room full of furniture and a king size bed isn’t comfy enough.
I wonder if those Gmail password hackers know how much my dog hates having to learn a new name.
“Sir how did you survive the snowmageddon?”
“I stayed in”
“Oh”
america famously invented speed limits during the cold war, back when they didn’t trust anyone that was rushin’
oooh pretty wing tattoos on your back, do they symbolize how you have no idea how big wings need to be to carry your weight
Your honor, is it really “stealing a zoo animal” if the animal walked out on its own after I opened its cage and lured it into the parking lot with biscuits?
“You stand accused of 3 counts of first degree murder.”
“Look, I’m a lot of things–”
“Are you a murderer?”
[bites lower lip]
“Little bit.”
I just had scrambled tofu with veggies because my kid makes me eat healthy and damnit why is this happening to me ? I’m a good person …
Priest: do you take this woman
Me: I do
[Liam Neeson glares from the pews]
Me: -not
“I’m not a fan.”
-air conditioner
You can take your favorite hat on vacation or you can take a junk hat in case you lose it. I have forgotten both.
Recent studies show that eating bacon or other red meats increases your chances of dying by 20%
So apparently I have a 120% chance of dying
My mom didn’t want me to get hurt playing football, so she made me take theater, and the first thing they told me was to break a leg.
I always take the high road, because the colors are more psychedelic and sometimes you see a unicorn.
I hate it when healthy me does the groceries, because now fat me needs a snack.
Ben: I’m trying to read, you’re in my light
Me: Because I am a Solo eclipse!
Ben: Dad I swear to-
Me: I am blocking the light of the son!
Enter Sandman is my favourite song about why I don’t have sex on the beach.