Murderer: If you correct my grammar once more, I’ll kill you
Me: But I couldn’t stop myself
Murderer: But you could of
Me: oh no
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I have a list of things I need reached That I’m handing the 1st tall person that comes to visit me.
I’m not hungover. I just like to wear my sunglasses when I open the fridge door. It makes me look cool.
If by cleaning the house you mean did I light a scented candle then yes I cleaned the house
Taking a break from my mental health so I can focus on Twitter
Hey bro, nowhere on your cologne bottle does it say “marinate in”
although you definitely do get used to it after a while, the most annoying thing about being 5’11 is that when you’re out in public, you constantly overhear people saying “holy shit, that’s the tallest person i’ve ever seen in my life”
Sales clerk: That handbag is very pleasing to the eye.
Customer: Really? I don’t like it.
Giant Disembodied Eye: YOU REALLY SHOULD BUY IT
Typos are gonna be the death of me!
Unless pills, cigarettes, alcohol, unprotected sex, meth, bull fighting or Taco Bell kill me first.
My dad says “sometimes I say shit just so she’ll give me the silent treatment!” True love! 🙂
[Little Caesar’s meeting]
“We need a new, clever slogan”
*everyone looks at Jim*
Jim: Um… Pizza…Pizza?
“Jim…U just saved this company”
Why are there commentators for televised sports?
We can figure out what’s going on live, but can’t while watching it on tv?
ME: *using a ouija board* Are there any spirits here?
OUIJA BOARD: No.
ME: I don’t believe you.
OUIJA BOARD: That seems like a you problem.
My plan for quarantine: only let one child in the house at a time.
I told my therapist that I thought I had imposter syndrome, but he said only talented people get that. So that’s a relief.
Sometimes I think I should try to be a better person, but then I remember I’m good-looking, so I’m, like, nah.
Google Moon is NOT what I thought it would be.
*pulls up pants
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a dolphin* shark
We’re investigation reports of little piles cack in all the flower beds around here. You match the description of somebody we’d like to talk to.
“Why did u jump off that bridge?”
My friend did it too
“Well if your friend jumped off a bridge would u?”
Yes. I literally just said that
The Wicked Witch was only evil because of her awful sex life. Ladies, you’d be pissed off, too, if getting even a little wet would kill you.
Jurassic park gets weird
TIP: As you walk down a trail, use a stick to make first contact with spiderwebs. You can also use your face. Do what feels right.
Not to brag but I used hand soap before it was trending.
putting some whiskey in my coffee cuz its ireland somewhere
Text:
OMG! I can’t believe you tweet such
vile, offensive, filthy, sick things.
You should be removed from society.
GET HELP!Love Mom XO
I opened the fridge door, but something inside slammed it shut. It’s going to be Uber Eats until we can move out.
From now on, I’m referring to my ex girlfriends as “yesterbae’s.”
I never picked my nose. I was born with it.