The evolutionary process has created crabs five independent times throughout the course of history. Humans are not the pinnacle of evolution. Evolution wants crabs.
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I love to give homemade gifts. Which one of my kids do you want?
It’s interesting growing up and discovering that most adults are not that clever. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
Unfortunately, Yoda’s proposal came across as more of a statement, possibly even a threat. And so, he lived out his life alone, forever pining for “which got away, the one.”
I like to keep a glass of water on my nightstand just in case I wake up in the middle of the night and I want to spill something.
*carefully examining the markings on a reticulated python as it squeezes me to death* just as I suspected. this is definitely a snake
dinosaur: [walks out of divorce court to find a parking ticket on his car] ugh this day can’t get any wor
In Korean restaurant w/my son & Korean waitress says to him”Hi, how are you”? “Sorry I don’t speak Chinese” Great. I’ve raised a douche!
*sticks a pencil in your ear and manually rewinds you back before you opened your mouth*
Me (screaming in baby’s face): EITHER KILL ME OR MAKE ME STRONGER!!!!
As a child I thought that growing up I’d be challenged to rap battles way more often than has actually happened.
[first day as a bartender]
*garnishes all vodka drinks with a raw potato slice*
My kid wanted to watch something scary, so I had her watch the cashier ring up our groceries.
Me, 20’s & 30’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You had a good time, then!
Me, 40’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You need to see a neurologist.
Sing it!
[Runs into old school friend]
Him: hey you’re that guy who held weird grudgesMe: And how is my eraser?
me: I’ve got a date tonight and I need all the help I can get
barber: ok
[later]
her: you look nicebarber, from under the table: tell her she looks nice too
My 10 year-old nephew is learning about Argentina, so I told him about all the great wines they make down there, and this, my friends, is how you get out of after-school pickups.
Keep the business cards from people you don’t like. That way, if you should ever hit a parked car, you can leave it on the windscreen
I don’t want a sugar mama but maybe a sugar buddy. I just hit her up like “hey how are you today?” And she replies “Doing great, thanks for asking here’s seven grand.” 💰
New children’s book I’m working on: “Nobody poops but you, you disgusting little freak”.
My boss accidentally muted himself on this zoom meeting 20 minutes ago and none of us have told him
On any given microwave, there’s only one button to me. It doesn’t matter what I’m cooking I just keep hammering popcorn until it’s done.
Gen Z, Boomers, Millennials and Gen X
hot instagram model girl: before each workout i always drink this
me: [laying in bed covered in crumbs] im gonna buy that
I want what they have
Wife: [on phone]
Me: Who are you calling?
Wife: The fire department.
Me: Why?
Wife: I need a permit to light your birthday candles.
Daenerys Targaryen is basically one of those people that thinks they’re a parent because they have a dog.
[killer in horror movie suddenly appears]
me: *sighing* ugh I JUST sat down
doc: “your dad’s been in a coma for 9 days, we’re running out of ideas”
me: “let me try” [goes to adjust thermostat]
dad: [opens one eye]
Text your husband “I know your secret” and he’ll bring you home so many awesome presents!
You don’t even need to know what the secret is!