god: now to create a universe for man, my most beloved creation
lucifer: what if u make like 99.999% of it kill them instantly
god: lol ok
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They say real men hunt their food, which is why I throw a spear through the box of pasta before letting it bleed out in my shopping cart.
My dad gets drunk and sends me this picture at least 3 nights a week
I’m sorry…what?
If I leave out a comma it’s because I don’t want you to breathe.
Me: this a rush song?
Bartender: yeah, you a fan?
Me: does this answer your questions? *lifts shirt to reveal giant tattoo that says “no”*
Me: “Take me to your leader!”
60,000 bees: *Just stuffing me awkwardly into the hive*
“Remember where we parked.”
-Me, to my dog.
I’ve eaten about half a case of Skinny Pop this morning. How long does it take to start working?
*naked in boots*
Omg I’m gonna win this Shrek costume contest
There’s nothing church people love more than getting teenagers and young adults to move all the chairs
I never understood “spidey sense.” The last 400 spiders I threw a shoe at didn’t see it coming.
I Wasn’t Paying Attention to the Zoom Until I Heard My Name Called: A Memoir
WIFE: I have a couple important announcements…First: I’m pregnant
ME: Hi Pregnant, I’m dad
WIFE: Second: No you’re not
Batman: *puts on glasses* Hey do I still look like Bruce Wayne?
Superman: Um obviously.
Batman: Think about that for a second.
I found a five dollar bill in the laundry and my credit rating went up 12 points.
dumbledore: you know what this spot needs
hogwarts gardener: rose bu-
dimbledore: a tree that kills students
hogwarts gardener: what
dumbledore: plant the death tree
Dexter is my favorite show about how hard is it not to stab dumb idiots.
Banished to the “quiet room” in church because the toddler shushed the pastor. Our family history of skepticism remains strong.
My cat knocked my phone into the toilet so now I have to shop for a new cat.
Kids have so many food allergies these days.
In 15 years you’ll be able to rob a bank with a bag of peanuts.
TEENAGE JAMES BOND: its actually just a learners permit to kill. I can kill, but only with an adult over 25 and not after 10pm
Welcome to Yoga class. You’ll slowly ease into half splits, and then you’ll remain there for the rest of your life.
me to a cat or dog: and are you the best baby? the fluffiest? are you the babiest baby of them all? do you get stopped every day and asked about how it feels to be a baby?
me to a real, human baby: good afternoon. i appreciate your small shoes.
[Couples’ Counselling]
Her: If he doesn’t stop talking in corporate cliches I’m leaving him
Me (in tears): Please don’t downsize our unit!
I’ve seen the bass pro shop guy naked more than I have myself.
All I want for Christmas is someone to love and a horse solves crimes.
To the person who got hold of my voodoo doll.
Stop feeding it!
#Fitness #Diet #RubbishJokes
#SaturdayMorning
Robin: “Clowns to the left of me, Joker’s to the right. Here I am, stuck in the middle with you.”
Batman: “Shut up.”
My 6yr old has ruined my life by learning how to spell. I can’t talk about anything with her around anymore. I knew this whole school thing was a bad idea.
Finding out how big of a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles fan I truly am was understandably pretty tough for my daughters, Raphael & Leonardo.