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Aether is both a noun and a verb.
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My daughter just told me she doesn’t like Cadbury eggs and oh thank god bc the 12 I bought her accidentally fell into my facehole
Watching horror movies has convinced me that answering a phone never ends well for anyone.
If I had to choose one word that encapsulates me, I’d say skin.
cat: *slowly approaches new vase*
me: you don’t wanna do that
vase: *pushes cat off the table*
me: i warned you
*feels the wind in my toe hair
At my funeral play the Super Mario original theme until my casket is lowered in the ground then play the underground music
i have to be eating a burrito for the facial recognition to work
you know you’re related when you visit your cousin and find her crying because she dropped her cake pop.
Single people at the grocery store are without a care in the world as if they don’t have to worry about bringing home the wrong yogurt
Just banged my head but unfortunately it didn’t knock any more sense into it.
In a marriage it’s always a competition to see who can look busier, hence why I sighed and shook my head repeatedly while writing this.
I’m so anti-social, my misery loathes company.
Women love when their boots go Click Clack because it reminds them of horses, from which women evolved.
Ok, I know pandemics are bad … but have you ever run out of tequila?
1 yr old Son: [picks up toy basketball and takes three wobbly steps forward].
Wife: omg he just took his first steps!
Me: [visibly upset] yeah but he traveled.
Niece: found these handcuffs in your drawer.
Me: yea I got arrested once
Niece: omg why
Me: for going through my aunt’s drawers.
FIANCÉ: where should we go on our honeymoon
ME (after hearing there’s a charizard hidden at mt rushmore): how do you feel about south dakota
911 what’s your emergency?
I FARTED ON THE FIRST DATE.
Ma’am we don’t–
IT SOUNDED LIKE A BALLOON ANIMAL ASKING A QUESTION
Disney World has announced it is closing due to Hurricane Ian. While many think it is for obvious safety reasons, the actual reason is if the power goes out and they lose containment the animatronics from Small World will be free to feed.
Spring is finally here. Time to clean the dog shit in the yard.
My father claims there’s nothing like being independent and yet he hasn’t washed a dish since 1975.
Jan 21, 2015: The 1989 film “Back to the Future II” showed life on Oct 21, 2015. So we’ve got 9 Months to invent Flying Cars.
Me: [Sits down to eat breakfast]
Girlfriend: Babe, you forgot the French Toast
Me: Oh sorry [raises glass] VIVE LA FRANCE!
Dude is texting with a flip phone, just like George Washington did
While you’re thinking what to wear, I’m thinking how to take it off.
When can I start eating bats again.
Bull: I want to show you my leather saddle
Cow: Can you not?
-50 Shades of Graze
Her: Be a dear and hand me that cup.
Me: *jumps in front of a car*
Her: Dear, not deer.
My soul floating away: Craaaaap.
Don’t know what this myth is about cell usage blowing up a gas pump. I’m filling my tank right now. See? It’s no big de
We gave DanceBot a machete as a joke. No one could have predicted the rhythmic horror that came next.