I said NO, Steve! It’s a terrible idea. We’ll never get away with it…
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The only reason I’ve been going out with this guy all summer is because I have no idea how to operate my gas grill.
If I lived in Alabama, I’d name my daughter, ‘Banjo-lina”.
Jehovah’s Witness: have you found god?
me: I’m not telling you, that’s cheating!
JW: excuse me?
me: that’s not how you play hide and seek, you’ve got to find him yourself!
Let’s give each other some bad writing advice!
Type “You’re not a real writer unless you” then let predictive text do it’s thing.
Mine:
“You’re not a real writer unless you are an expert in the middle east.”
Oddly specific.
Her: You’re an insensitive jerk.
Me:
Her: You only think about yourself.
Me:
Her: And your tweets aren’t funny.
Me: YOU TAKE THAT BACK!
My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them
People say I’m half naked when I’m 12% dressed because they’re bad at math
One of my biggest fears during a zombie apocalypse is having to sleep without a fan
If the voices in my head had a British accent, I would do what they say more often.
the name “alvin and the chipmunks” implies that while simon and theodore are chipmunks, alvin himself is something else, something far more sinister
[leaving a party]
GF (holding 2 identical jackets): which one is yours
ME: whichever one has a pancake in the pocket
My goal was to lose 10 pounds this year…
~Only 15 more to go!!
I took off my shirt when I got home and my wife put her eclipse glasses back on.
Why do people get photo shoots done for newborns? Just find some pictures online they all look the same.
My husband fills the Halloween candy bowl early, expecting I’ll have no willpower and eat it all within 4 days, but joke’s on him this year: I haven’t touched it, I keep 2 bags of candy in my night stand.
Toddlers will be like I want half an egg but I want half the yolk and half the white and you have to cut it before you crack it and if you puncture the yolk I’ll scream
I want to surprise my boyfriend by sending him a sexy pic while he’s at work, but I can’t decide what outfit to put on the cat.
the three branches of government
Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? You still have to get up & take the disc out. It’s like having a remote to open the fridge.
Archaeologist 1: she must have died suddenly, a mug of tea was still in her microwave
Archaeologist 2: actually we carbon dated the tea and she died a week afterwards
I just found out my husband doesn’t pronounce the j in pendulum
When I first heard about it, I thought pickleball was some weird food at the state fair.
walk through life confidently like a NYer does through a red crosswalk signal
my plan for the new year: getting fit as a fiddle, complete with strings, bridge, tailpiece, chin rest, and f-hole.
The man standing outside the nursing home just asked if I had any teeth to sell
My neighbor is having a party for his daughter. I have been listening to Justin Bieber for 3 hours. Do not interact with me.
*Steve Carell washes hands*
*Steve Purell*
[stubs toe]
“GOD DAMMIT”
God: No problem, bro.
[toe goes to Hell]
Him: Hey
Me: *flashes box of super tampons*
[anniversary text]
H: miss u already. don’t get too lonely in that hotel suite w/o me.
M: *soaking in hot tub, sipping 4th mimosa while eating chocolate covered strawberries* who dis?