I may seem confident on the outside but deep down on the inside I remember every time I’ve accidentally leaned on a light switch.
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My dad: Which highway did you take?
Me: The one Maps told me to. I dunno. I remember there was asphalt. Other cars and stuff
The absolute effort that went into this omg
inheritance is a dumb system people should have to give their estate to whoever defeats them in battle like the santa clause
I’m giving up ice.
english teacher: *yelling* I am APPALLED
me:
me: ok
me: what is a pald
boss: you’re late
me: and you are not the father
Me: NOT THIS TIME
Kids: *already running away with my pants*
Perfect
My Fitbit mistook my panic attack for high intensity interval training.
We took family pictures with an actual photographer today. No one argued, no one yelled, no one whined, no one cried. Years from now we can look at these photos and say, “this is how we never were.”
What I really love about Air Fresheners is how it makes your bathroom smell like someone just shit in your rose garden…
When you’ve simply given up.
I live on the edge. I set my coffee on my rounded couch arm.
Apparently losing my mind was not the answer they expected when they asked what my plans for the weekend are
I think High School birth control classes should just be forcing the students to watch videos of me taking my 3 kids to the grocery store
[day 3: stuck in elevator]
girl: if we don’t eat we’ll die soon
me: *waiting for her to die so I don’t have to share the meatballs in my pocket* how soon?
Husband: Come on baby, do that thing that I love.
Me: *stuffs an entire jelly doughnut into my mouth*
BUZZ ALDRIN:They say in space no one can hear you scream, but it’s not true and the other astronauts get mad at you for the rest of the trip
90% of parenting is asking, “Did you _?” when you know damned well that they didn’t.
I’m embarrassed to live in a world that’s allowed 9 fast and furious movies
I lost 6 hours of sleep last night, lying in bed wondering if Muppets get haircuts.
Pro tip: if you absolutely must speak in court, do not put air quotes around “the law”. Judges don’t like it.
Online shopping is all fun and games until you have to get up and get your credit card from the other room.
Once married the woman takes over the entire closet and the man stores everything he owns in his left cargo pocket
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: nice!
God: the humans are gonna love you.
Dog: why?
God: well you have a lot in common.
Dog: really? do they have updog too?
God: what’s updog?
Dog: nothing what’s up with you lol.
God: yep you’re just like them.
Dog: [tail wag].
A really effective car insurance ad would just show pics of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say: Because these girls have licenses.
I love putting on warm underwear fresh out of the dryer. I also love to look around the laundromat and guess who they belong to.
Janitor (pulling a dead cat out of Hadron Collider) Here’s your problem right here.
cop: you know why i pulled you over
me: …no ?
cop: come on dude
me: maybe i had a few too many–
cop: WAY too many balloon animals in your trunk
me: i–
cop: you didn’t even close it man. giraffes and wiener dogs all over the road back there