Women are like campfires.
Beautiful, hot, smell great, warm your heart.
And, both don’t like it if you pee on them.
Mostly.
You Might Also Like
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
[jail]
ME: I want my phone call
COP: Ok. Make it count
ME: [dials payphone]
[cop’s mobile rings]
COP: Hello?
ME: Please let me go
I pretend to the cashier lady to have two adorable children whenever I’m buying mom jeans.
me: how often should I water it?
florist: you’ll just know
me: I absolutely will not
just had a dinosaur that we didn’t make show up at our front gate
One day you’re young and the next you’re standing at the kitchen window staring menacingly at your neighbors.
Every time I go down the village there’s one less child and one more goose and I think we really need to make more ‘Do Not Drink’ warning signs for the cursed well.
Me: *smiling from ear to ear*
Plastic surgeon: My bad.
I changed my mind..🐕🐾🍪😅
We parents need to stop threatening our kids with a lump of coal. It’s cruel and outdated.
Behave or Santa will break your iPad, kids.
Dear God, please turn my whistling coworker into a bird so he can fly far, far far away from here.
If you fill your girlfriend’s hair dryer with talcum powder & glitter you end up with an angry ex-girlfriend who looks like a sparkly ghost.
Let’s get married & have kids so instead of trying a pumpkin beer you can stop the crying while I go back into the corn maze to find the shoe.
Letting my cat know in a positive way that he’s looking very round today.
Whenever I see people my age with babies I’m like “aw they must have had a teenage pregnancy” and then I remember that I’m in my 30s.
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
Martial arts movie, starring me
Master: You wish to learn to fight?
Me: Yes
Master: The training is very difficult
Me: Oh then no
The End
I just know they’re trying to reach him about an extended warranty.
Everyone getting arrested and losing their job for storming the Capitol building are realizing why their grandparents wore hoods.
If I’m struggling to write new jokes, I find it helps to go on a long walk. Sooner or later I’ll meet someone who hasn’t heard my old jokes.
me: *hand on his shoulder* you can’t save everybody. just call time of death
doctor: you have a sprained ankle
I’m pretty sure M. Night Shyamalan is directing 2020.
[in bed]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: one time I licked the floor of a subway
HER: I meant-
ME: I use a rat as a loofa
I posted happy birthday bunny to my husband on Instagram. I’ve never actually called him bunny, but I didn’t have my glasses on and it was early in the morning and I meant to say baby and anyway, he’s bunny now. Forever.
Back in my day we didn’t wear helmets while riding our bikes. We just laid there unconscious until someone came and got us for dinner
sometimes. i will yawn really big. and soon after. the human will also yawn. i have yet to decide. what to do with my powers
I talk a lot of smack for someone who believes the plane will tip over if you stand up midflight.
some of you youths are gonna be real disappointed when u discover that turning 30 just means you still have all the same weird interests but can’t turn your head all the way to the left anymore
[murder scene]
detective: “she drown?”
cop: “after a blow to the head”
d: “what’s he doing?”
me: [trying to draw chalk outline on river]