VENOM: Time to meet your maker!
SPIDER-MAN: The radioactive spider?
VENOM: No, like-
SPIDER-MAN: My dad? Cuz he’s dead. Wow, ur a douche.
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I received a survey for a conference I didn’t attend, so I completed it as if I had attended and the conference had been attacked by dragons.
gift cards are like i want you to buy what you want but from where i want
At the 2015 Edinburgh Fringe a man came up to me after my show one day to say “I really don’t think much of your comedy, please stick to singing” and I’ve basically continued in comedy ever since just to annoy him.
Why is it called an exorcist’s holy water and not disinfecthaunt?
…and send
robbed a bank just to hear someone call me a person of interest
Actually, it’s illegal to be upset if you make a date on Halloween and they ghost you.
Wine and cheese pair well together bc they are both the expired byproducts of other foods enjoy your trash snack rich people
My dog wakes me up at 5am every morning to go outside for a shit, which is great because otherwise I’d probably do it in the bed.
In a restaurant if there’s a crying kid the parents don’t take outside, they got 10 minutes before I bread it, dip it, then eat it.
What I thought I was doing: Leaving my house for a girls’ afternoon at a local winery.
What I was actually doing: Explaining to my 5yo why he can’t call the police just because his dad asked him to pick up his Legos.
[fancy restaurant]
Me: do you have orange cat food?
Wife [whispers to waiter]: he means lasagna
If you run through an airport yelling “Marybeth I love you don’t go!” then you can cut through so many lines of people who like romance.
nothing saves money like being antisocial
If there were Doritos on the tree in the garden of Eden, they would not have had to wait for the snake. Adam and Eve would have eaten those things first day. They would have known all about good and evil.
Flannel? Well plaid hipsters, well plaid.
My friend’s band is called Duvet.
It’s a cover band.
Life is short. Take risks. Run with scissors. Dance with scissors like nobody’s watching. Stop waiting for tomorrow to do cool shit with scissors.
That time I pointed out to the guy trying to sell a magazine subscription that I have a “No Soliciting” sign and he rolled his eyes and said, “Yeah but I’m not soliciting, I’m selling”. Thus ends the tale of why I have a “do not disturb” sign.
Slept on the floor last night for fun with the kids and now I’m paralyzed
Border Security Idea: Make the door to Mexico too small for sombreros.
sure, i could keep my thoughts to myself but i can’t see “likes” in my journal
I grew up before google, and as a kid I didn’t know bread was slang for money. Spent my childhood wondering why they put bread in Billy Joel’s jar.
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when someone wasn’t getting to the point.
*Carries a bookmark to that fancy restaurant with the extensive menu card.*
I went on WebMD and I either have Covid or I’m getting my period
Me: Hi. Can I help you?
Him: I’m here about the wanted ad for the one night stand
Me: Great. Where is it?
Him: What?
Me: The nightstand.
BOSS: Wow you made a killing on your first day
ME: Thanks boss!
BOSS: *puts hand on my shoulder* that’s bad for a surgeon
i trust babies a lot because i can throw them pretty far
my mom: “please don’t rile up the dogs when we get home”
me as soon as i see the dogs: