A hypnotist made me believe I was a bendable metal with an atomic number of 82. I’m easily lead.
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A couple of birds are outside fighting. Wait. They’ve quieted down. There’s a third bird. I think he may be their therapist.
“I’ll be back” –Arnold Schwarzenegger as getting into a 2-person horse costume
I get it cicadas, I too come once every seven years
I’d been waiting so long for my doc, when the assistant came out and called for Krokowski, I said right here, here I am and ran back before Krokowski knew what happened.
If you are a turkey right now and someone offers to cut off your head, stuff you full of dressing, and cook you, do not do it. It is a trap.
ME: make every guy afraid of me
GENIE: as u wish
ME: (a tampon): son of a
These people at work keep interrupting my naps.
I’m an introvert, but my middle finger is an extrovert.
If you like constant interruptions when you’re [no you can’t have a snack] trying to get something done, then parenting [leave the cat alone] might be for you.
[blind date]
Me: [text] I’m down at the end of the bar, wearing a suit
Her: *looks*
Me: *wearing hazmat suit, waves with gloved hand*
Crows that are stuck together are called Vel-crows
8 year old said “Don’t take life too seriously everything finds a way” then I freaked out because I didn’t know there was a kid in my apartment
Anyone else notice your clothes only get caught on door handles when you are already angry or annoyed???
Got some shoes from a drug dealer , I don’t know what he laced them with coz I’ve been tripping all day.
Meanwhile at the drugstore…
What do you mean I can’t drink alcohol with this medication?
You’re not a bartender!
You’re just a pharmacist.
Just remember, we are all just 1 small prescription away from riding a unicorn.
My husband took 18 to a music festival and just texted me that he was “going in the mosh pit” and I didn’t have the heart to tell him I don’t think they call it that anymore and also he’s 49 and probably won’t survive that.
The genie sang that whole song about how he’s gonna be Aladdin’s best friend ever right in front of the monkey
I don’t know, guys. The whole “play dead when a bear attacks” thing sounds suspiciously like something the bears would come up with…
I’M TOO SEXY FOR MY RADIATION SUIT I scream as I run out into the wasteland. So sexy it hurts. Oh god it hurts. Help-
“My therapist told me to create a calming atmosphere,” I tell the manager, after lighting every candle in the store.
Guy: Are you pregnant?
Me: No, I’m a Ninja Turtle with my shell on BACKWARDS.
Guy: …..
Me: Cowabunga, douche!
MOCKINGBIRD: Blah blah blah! Harper Lee is an idiot!
HARPER LEE: I just had a great idea for a book.
*A group of cannibals eating a pie*
This is amazing, what did you do different?
“Well, I used fresh Barry’s”
This empty bowl of cake batter taught me I shouldn’t volunteer to make cupcakes for weddings alone.
i just really want crab legs
..not to eat or anything, no, i just wanna scuttle across the floor and see who runs in terror from me
Me: Did you finish the banana bread?
16: yep
Me: Great, because it was actually a healthy zucchini bread.
16: THIS HOUSE IS FULL OF LIES!
The Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Dressing for the job I want…
The Wife: PUT YOUR CLOTHES ON.
My neighbor’s smart refrigerator keeps trying to text me salami
*falls from grace*
PARKOUR!