[first day as a buddhist] go ahead. name a person more patient than me. i’ll wait.
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Tinder, but for nearby people that have a printer you can use.
The police want me to wear a wire; albeit a thick handcuff-shaped wire.
Cop: freeze sucker
Me: it’s called a popsicle
My sister has positioned herself as the lazy sibling and honestly I stan, no one expects anything from her. Is it too late for me to rebrand?
Coca Cola: Because drinking black water seems like a solid life choice.
Damn boy, are you the black jelly bean?
Because I absentmindedly picked you, and now I regret having you in my mouth.
You never feel shorter than when you’re standing on a step stool with half your body in the washing machine and you’re using the tongs you used to make lamb loin chops to grab your socks from the bottom of the washer.
The news keeps talking about how someone is in a “very uncomfortable space”. And in my mind I keep yelling back, “WHAT, LIKE THE BACK OF A VOLKSWAGEN?”.
I dont know about you guys, but I am amazed Pringles is able to constantly grow the same shaped potato. Science.
Shouldn’t elevators have a different name for the trip back down?
I sent my boyfriend a picture of my taco. Yeah, he was disappointed that wasn’t a euphemism as well.
They should invent a Sunday that’s longer than a couple of minutes.
WHY?!
I heard you should get a dog that likes to do the things you like to do, so which dogs like eating nachos?
My daughter spelled America “Merica” on a book report so now I’m searching her room for Trump campaign propaganda.
[laying in bed]
Wife: I’d rather chew on aluminum foil while listening to Nickelback
Me: …a simple, “I have a headache” would’ve been fine
[first day of quidditch practice]
Remember kids, witches get snitches.
Ponytail so tight, I no longer have forehead wrinkles.
This looks like a job for Superman!
-unemployed Superman reading the classifieds
If I ever visit Japan, the first thing I’ll do is run through those paper walls pretending I’m the Kool-Aid man.
This is a baby horse: it can walk 4 hours after it’s born
This is a baby human: don’t touch its head wrong or you’ll bonk its brain
Because of aquariums I thought I loved marine biology but it turns out I just really like the idea of fish prison.
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: wow ok gimme a second
GENIE: done
ME: wait
GENIE: sure if that’s your wish
ME: be quiet
GENIE:
ME: damn
Alligators can survive for 2-3 years without eating. My personal record is 16 minutes.
{abducted by aliens}
Hey guys…what’s your wi-fi password?
Quiz host: Your topic is music
Me: Yes!!
Quiz Host: Which Imagine Dragons song starts quietly followed by the singer yelling the chorus?
Me: You’ve got to be kidding me
DOCTOR: congratulations, it’s a boy! *holds up baby tricycle*
BICYCLE DAD: what the hell?
BICYCLE MOM: *crying*
Kids are so dumb u think Santa’s elves made that PS4 yeah right like Sony would ever let that happen learn basic copyright law u lil shits
hey you guys, as a reminder, please don’t “save” couches if you find them outside. The mother is probably nearby and she will reject it if it smells like people.
I’m pretty sure the dude in the stall next to me is giving birth to a Hummer