Show your neighbor they shouldn’t park their boat outside of their house by filling it with two of every animal.
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If you guys don’t keep a child-sized oar in the car to row past slow drivers I’m not even sure you’re livin’ right.
10yo: I’m confused. The paper says “20s theme.” But this is the 20s. So we dress like we do everyday?
Me:
Me:
Me: That’s exactly what it means.
6: What’s a hangover?
Me: The interest repayment on fun.
Gave my family the wrong address for our beach rental. Hoping to get a couple days in before they find me.
edibles don’t work unless you talk shit about them first LMAO
This was a bad idea all around
Hi, I’m Angie.
You may remember me from such instances as: Where did all the vodka go? Is ur friend ok? Or: Who’s responsible for this girl?
KID: I’m a brat!
WILLY WONKA: I am going to have you murdered.
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
captain: *drops anchor over side of boat*
me: great now who’s gonna do the news
*Opening my window like a Disney princess to greet neighbors who are angrily throwing tomatoes*
Yesterday I told my husband I was gonna get rid of all the kid’s toys because the house is full and today he told me I couldn’t buy any new ones, as if he thinks I meant it
Today my youngest has her “preschool graduation,” and oh, how I will try to control my tears*
*of joy that she will be in school full day come fall
There’s no rule that says only fruit can be put in water infusers. But let me tell you, people get real weirded out when you put beef jerky and cheese in there.
Me: I’m ghosting him.
Her: You stopped talking to him?
Me: No, I’m showing up when he least expects it and scaring the shit out of him.
5-YEAR-OLD: mommy, what happens if I turn 100 years old?
MY WIFE: you get a special certificate from the president
5: what happens if I turn 150?
W: you die
I put my hair up to wash my face and my son said you look pretty with a messy bun so I straight bought him a car even tho he’s only 11.
“Yes, I’m here. I really need you to be more specific. I know a lot of Margarets.”
— God
“What’s taking the pharmacist so long? It’s just one prescription”
*behind the counter the pharmacist is sinking in quicksand and screaming*
When I can’t find my car keys, I’m grateful for the most helpful suggestions like “Where did you last leave them?” and “They’ll turn up”.
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
Fact: In the 80s nobody could have sex until someone started playing a saxophone.
Sharing a streaming account with someone who doesn’t have their own profile is like gaslighting yourself.
“I don’t remember watching this”
SS: Yes you did. See right here? That’s where you stopped watching.
“You sure? I really don’t remember watching this”
Just realized half way through my date that I still had lipstick on my forehead from my mom kissing me goodbye.
I wrecked my Italian car, now it’s al dente
At my age, a new driver’s license doesn’t have an Expires On date. It has a Renew If You Haven’t Expired On date.
Wtf neighbor I waved to you last week
“THEY’RE PROBABLY MORE AFRAID OF YOU THAN YOU ARE OF THEM,” I shout, as a swarm of murder hornets attacks my friend Jeff
I’m not allowed in hot yoga – I can only get into he might clean up ok yoga
Just flipped my mattress, should have woke up my wife first