Equally cool alternatives to air guitar:
Air slap bass
Air harmonica
Silent pig auctions
Balloons hitting people
The letter Q
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Me to 2yo: Hey bud, what are you having for breakfast? Sausage? Eggs? Hash browns? Oh… 8 forkfulls of ketchup? Good job!
Interviewer: What drives you?
Me: The bus mostly
Interviewer: I mean what motivates you to get out of bed in the morning?
M: missing the bus
*walks into childhood home*
Him: what’s wrong?
Me: it all looks so different. I distinctly remember the floor being lava.
I know it’s so bad but all the other restaurant names were taken. Anyways welcome to Feastiality can I get you guys started on some drinks
Crying and holding my daughter, “look baby, she looks like us.”
Who wants to hear about my Wordle streak? Anyone? Hey, where ya guys going?
[duck is quacking] damn dude that duck is in SERIOUS disrepair [sprays wd-40 into duck mouth] [duck starts chirping like nightingale]
My husband asked me what I need at Target… Target will tell me what I need thanks
I said something about March 31st and my husband said, “Honey, there aren’t 31 days in March.”
Friends, with the most-bro-is-always-right smirk, he pulled his phone out to fact check my ass and then said, “Ha Ha Just Kidding! You know I was kidding right? It was a joke.”
Brownie points would be better if we could eat them.
Me: I’ve sorted these toy boxes so you can put vehicles in one box and people and characters in the other. It will make tidying up quick and easy. Shall we try it?
4yo: *picks up a transformer. Philosophical debate ensues.*
My bank just sent me an email starting with “we’re all in this together” and then told me my monthly fees are going up
No one warned me that my teens can be royally pissed off with each other, but that will not stop them from missing an opportunity to collectively be mad at me.
i’ve eaten so many carbs during quarantine, my blood sugar is now regulated by pancakereas
Gonna start messing with people in public bathrooms and say “oh I recognize those shoes!”
My husband has reached an age where he reads the menu out loud. The whole menu.
And then he has questions.
Please send help.
One time I had to Google “What is a Snooki?” ngl I was disappointed it wasn’t a new Muppet
The opening notes of “Yeah” by Usher sound like a straw going in and out of a McDonald’s soft drink cup
My friend is addicted to interventions and I don’t know how to help him.
4yo: Why don’t brother and sister listen?
Me: You don’t either!
4yo: I know but this isn’t about me right now
Sorry I said “You’ll do” instead of “I do” at our wedding.
Every time you make a typo
the errorists win.
My childhood music teacher posted on FB that she’d become a grandmother. I excitedly wrote “You were pregnant with your daughter when I was in Kindergarten now she’s a mom & I even remember you named her Beth Ann I loved Washington School!” & now I know why people avoid FB.
You know that confused look old people get when looking at new technology?
I’m like that, but with salad.
I saw my Subway artist drinking absinthe in the alley behind the shop. This sandwich gonna be a masterpiece.
My rapper name is Chick P cause I mostly just hum about us.
Whenever I need a few more minutes to get ready, I walk into the living room and say “My dad has that same shirt ” and then watch my husband’s head explode.
Based on how he reacts, you’d think my dog’s entire family was killed by pizza delivery guys.
Judge: You’re out of order!
Lawyer: This whole court room is out of order!
*I burst in*
Me: THE VENDING MACHINE IN THE LOBBY IS OUT OF ORDER
At my funeral will you make sure the pallbearers say things like
“Wow, She’s so light.” and “Is she even in here?”