Your 20s are for figuring out who you are.
Your 30s are for figuring out where you want to be.
Your 40s are for figuring out what the attachments to your vacuum do
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Whenever I read a sexual tweet I already know the “not you” is implied.
Bought two shirts at Kohl’s and according to their calculations I saved $2,750.
I feel bad for my Roomba, so every other day I vacuum while it sits on the couch watching TV and drinking beer.
What this place needs is a revival of the narrator tweets.
Narrator: No, that’s the last thing this place needs.
Welcome to your forties! You’re gonna need several doctors, no matter how many apples
My cat keeps stealing my earrings off the dresser.
Jokes on her, all the backs are missing. She’ll never be able to wear them.
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s
[several hours later]
time management.
British people never go down stairs they just jump out of a window and open an umbrella like Mary Poppins
Shout out to all the animals that help Disney princesses get shit done.
Usually before i join a teams meeting, i mute my mic. this morning i joined a call and thought i hit mute but i did not. as i joined i let out a huge long sigh that 22 people got to hear. now i need to find a new job.
I lost an ibuprofen under my dresser a week ago and now I’m worried the spiders are coming after me with no headaches and renewed vigor.
I’m not sure what’s more distressing:
Someone had the idea to invent a 72 hour deodorant.
Or that there’s a market for 72 hour deodorant.
[couples therapy]
HER: He’s always talking down to me
ME: *heavy sigh* It’s called being condescending but I doubt you knew that, Karen
I bought a designer body bag and now I’m scared to gain weight.
Something about watching Catfish makes me wanna catfish someone so bad and I don’t think that’s what they’re going for
[dropping my bf off at the airport]
Me: *going in for a hug, already crying* I’m gonna miss you so much
Him: I’m gonna make everyone think you’re my Uber driver!
Me: wait wha-
Him: *pushing my face away* OKAY FINE, I’LL GIVE YOU 5 STARS!
A survey shows that 20% of men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house and 80% kiss their house goodbye when they leave the wife..
I never set out to be the hottest woman in the nursing home yet here we are.
I love how some stores don’t even bother hiding that they sell fakes. I respect the hell out of a shop that has Professor Martins front and center. Yes please I will take one pair of Air Georges.
House 4 Sale: older home w/ character & charm. Lovely bookshelves. Ignore Matthew McConaughey, we don’t know how he got trapped in the wall.
Just tried to move my cursor and took me a beat to realize my mouse was upside down and doing the exact opposite of what my brain was telling it to do. Drunkest three seconds of my life.
where it all went wrong:
“of course i know where we’re going”
“You know what people really want to see? Season after season of a guy drinking his own piss.” – Discovery Channel executive
Cartoons falsely taught me to expect encountering an unimaginable amount of anvils in my day to day life
I held the door for an old person today and he was like, “didn’t we go to high school together” and we did.
Messaging my hair person to make an appointment for sometime in the week and finding out they are now based in the UK….
Nobody can turn an omelet into scrambled eggs quicker than me.
Fun to hear newscasters, while their chopper hovers over an active crime scene, scold people “the last thing the police need is spectators”
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
[first day of creation]
GOD: *stuck in traffic* oh no I’m not gonna make the light