WHY IS THAT COTTON CANDY TALKING?!
“Grandma, that’s Niki Minaj.”
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Driving is great because it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
The only thing keeping most of you from having a great dating life is…
Your spouse 🤷
13: can I play video games?
ME: yep
WIFE: nope
ME: absolutely not go think about what you’ve done don’t look at me in that tone of voice
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single “I’m going out for cigarettes.”
Ultimately, I’m not sure what marriage signifies, if anything. Legally I guess it means something, for wills or whatever. But “spiritually?” It’s just some words, a ritual, no more or less sacred than a high five after a touchdown. But I digress. You may now kiss the bride.
all my dance moves look like i’m trying to tell the guy on first base to steal second
I chose trial by fire, witch wasn’t my best idea.
College: Now that you’re making tons of money with your degree, please donate back to us every year
Me: lol
College: lol ikr?
got banned from the sauna at my gym for saying “steam me up, scotty” a few too many times
Me: Who is the most handsome man in the world?
Wife: Ewan McGreggor
Me: Thank you but you can only pick one
Every nature documentary has a pointless & soft lit cameo by a dung beetle that makes you suspect it’s dating the director
How to pet your cat:
1) start with their favourite spot
2) wrong
awesome draft from months ago i just found
My son made the mistake of telling me I was being overdramatic so I just changed the WiFi password.
We’ll see who’s overdramatic in about 2 minutes.
“Since you both claim to be this infant’s mother, we’ll cut the baby in half.”
OK.
Sounds reasonable.
“Y…uh, alright then. Let’s do this.”
It’s amazing how soft hotel towels become after you wash them at home.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: Oh my gosh yes!
MAGICIAN: It’s been declined. Do you have another way to pay the deposit for your kid’s party?
what’s wrong son?
that kid said he’s cooler than me
what? impossible. what kid?
*in my head im like don’t be the kid with pegs on his bike*
Accidentally said goodbye to the voice at the drive thru order window and they answered “nah I’ll see you in a sec” no chill
If anyone asks, I’m drinking all this wine to collect corks for a pinterest project.
DATE: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
ME: *gets really close to the date & whispers* I’m just a person, what bullshit question is this
Good morning to everyone but those being intentionally vague. You know who you are!
Me: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
H: You do realize I’m your husband, right?
[babysitting]
Ok well sorry I threw all your kid’s toys into the ocean but maybe next time be more clear if you suggest we have a tea party
Dear bill collectors, if you want me to answer the phone, instead of “no caller ID” try something like “free shoes”
Kristen Stewart seems like one of those missing milk carton kids who was raised by their kidnapper.
I’m the CEO of Boeing and I’ve been screwing up the planes on purpose. People were never meant to fly and I got tired of waiting for the gods to punish humanity for its hubris.
HER: You look so nervous.
ME: *nervously* HA. I’m never nervous.
HER: You’re sweating.
ME: *just freaking out* That’s bravery moisture.
[both kids on my lap]
Me:This is so nice
5yo:Mommy your breath stinks.
M: I carried you for 9 months!
4yo:Why didn’t you use a stroller?
What I said: I do.
What she heard: I do… want to awaken to the sweet sound of your voice saying “My feet are cold”, as you mash your size 7 icicles against me, til death do us part.