People say I’m self-centered, but the important thing is that they’re talking about me
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Mission President: Why hasn’t this Brother been baptized yet?
Me: Well, we have a problem.
Mission President: There are no problems Elder, only opportunities.
Me: OK, well he has a huge drug opportunity.
I always hold the door for ladies, but they never seem to get in the car when I do that.
Netflix and scream at our children?!
A kids program to yell at the kids when they misbehave called Dora The Exploder.
My son won a plastic horn at the fair so now our house is filled with obnoxious noise because my husband won’t put it down
I once worked with a girl named Brittanica…she was a bit aloof though I didn’t really know how to read her
SCIENTIST: dont be stressed! some rocks becom diamonds under extreme pressure
ME: wat about the other rocks
SCIENTIST: oh they turn to dust
ME: Ok, I’m sorry I played my banjo during the wedding ceremony.
WIFE: It was OUR wedding ceremony.
If I don’t stick to my diet, people are going to start calling me the last chairbender.
Husband who is bathing dogs in the bathtub asked if I wanted to join them & I wish I could say this is the weirdest offer I’ve had all day
Alcohol is generally the answer. Especially when the question is ‘why can’t I remember what the question is?’
Jokes on you DUI Checkpoint, we can no longer afford to drink AND drive.
I saw you checking me out.
Cashier: Literally my job, sir.
Waiter: pumpkin pie?
Me: ok, …. darling
Me: I don’t like scones.
British Friend: Ah mate you just haven’t had them the proper way.
Me: What do you mean?
British Friend: You need some good jam, a scoop of clotted cream, have some tea and take sips in between bit-
Me: I dont think you like scones either.
It is with a heavy heart that I announce I will no longer be accepting mayonnaise as a form of payment because SOME of you *glares at the crowd* made it weird.
The best part about getting older is now when my friends make me mad I just give their kids a gift that contains glitter.
Wife-CAN YOU CLEAN UP?
Me-*Quietly mutters- I don’t work for you!
3-*runs out of room yelling-
DADDY SAYS HE DOESN’T WORK FOR YOU!
Me: “Could you show me where the self-help books are?”
Librarian: “No.”
milk crate challenge: get a WHOLE bunch of crates, absolutely FILL them with my shit, and HELP me move this weekend
Thank you to all the people who tweet landscape pictures so we don’t forget what it looks like outside
Hung my Christmas lights on the house across the street so I can see them.
[Christmas morning]
Me *opening gift* we got a baseball bat!Son: Aw I wanted candy
Piñata friend: I don’t like where this is heading
In medieval times, infant mortality was so high that parents would often avoid posting pregnancy pics on Facebook until the 3rd trimester.
Me: If I walk 10,000 steps but do it with a dog, has the dog done 20,000 steps since it has twice the legs?
Job interviewer: I meant questions about the company
Pro tip:
Ensure that you never have to spend the holidays at your mother-in-law’s again by telling her that her cooking tastes “institutional.”
<——-Wants the burger
<——-Needs the salad
KING: Behind one door waits a viscous tiger; behind the other, a fair lady. Now the prisoner must choose!
ME: Hey, if I open them both, will the tiger just eat the lady?
KING: That’s not… you don’t… c’mon, man.
Gotta be tough for the guy somewhere who has to say “yeah, she left me for Charles Manson.”
It’s always fun to put a rainbow bumper sticker on your homophobic friend’s car.