Five out of six people enjoy Russian Roulette.
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Questions my toddler asked me this week:
– Which is better, a tree or yogurt?
– Do frogs know that they are frogs?
– Why do they still make regular blueberries when the chocolate ones are better?
– Were you ever alive?How about your kid?
Me [greasing brownie pan with my scalp]: I’m just happy that this isolation hasn’t really changed me as a person, you know?
I asked my wife to share her queen sized blanket to which she replied she was a queen and therefore the blanket was already at max capacity
A lot of parenting includes slow blinking at your child when they do something stupid while you mutter to yourself that they take after your spouse.
[first day of juice diet] my taco broke the blender
I’ve had relationships like this
Her: Let’s just drop it.
Me: Fine.
Her:
Me:
Her: I just find it funny how…
Me: *opens car door and shoulder rolls out into traffic*
911: hello this is 911
me: [panicky garbled mumbling]
911: do you have a too hot to eat pizza roll in your mouth
me: [confirmatory garbled mumbling]
Magazines are for your self esteem.
-New Yorker: You’re so uncultured.
-Cosmo: Your body is garbage.
-Forbes: Hey there, peasant.
Cashier: Can I see some ID?
Me *Points to my 13yo son*
One of the cool things they don’t tell you about your thirties is you can hurt your neck by turning to look at something, which is wild because that is neck’s main job.
90% of parenting is crumb identification.
Note for writers:
If your characters are on the run from the law, they are “on the lam,” not “on the lamb.” Unless of course they happen to be escaping the cops by riding baby sheep to freedom.
DARTH VADER: i need to let luke know he’s my son and that I still love him
THERAPIST: what do you think is the best way to do that
DARTH VADER: imma cut off his hand
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
When picking art supplies for your children, never pick glitter. You will always regret picking glitter.
ME: *stands by the window*
ELF ON THE SHELF: *into sleeve* take the shot
I need to know the brand of toothbrush my neighbor has. I hear it buzzing sometimes an hour at a time and she’s clearly enjoying it
*attaches note to pigeon
*stuffs pigeon into envelope
*goes to grocery store*
*puts picture of my missing keys on all the milk cartons*
I’m playing hide and seek with my 6yo. I’m underneath a pile of laundry, and she just walked right by me. This is exhilarating. It feels like that scene in Jurassic Park when the kids are hiding from the raptors.
Most of my tweets have been coming from a very dark place lately. That’s what happens when you forget to pay your electric bill
Ever since I bought this Queen mattress I’ve got shivers down my spine, body’s aching all the time.
My boyfriend is so needy. Always demanding things like “please untie me” and “just tell me who you are”.
BOSS: You ok?
ME: Yeah, why?
BOSS: You have a sign that says “2 Days Without Being Annoyed”
[maintaining eye contact, I change it to 0]
11,780 cans of beans on the wall…
[Christmas]
6:30—kids are excited
7:30—kids are playing
8:00—kids are fighting
9:00—kids are crying
9:15—wife is yelling
9:30—I am drinking
my son wont get past his bridge troll phase. its a phase all children have, where they live under a bridge and rob people with a gun
In my defense, I never said that I had “completed the project.” I said that I was “done working on it.” Two totally different things.
I just tested negative for patience.