Frankenstein was 90% about someone making up a guy and then getting mad at him
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My daughter told us that she learned the life cycle of a frog, and when asked to recite it, she said, “eggs, tadpole, frog, prince, ex-husband.”
I find that honking the horn is an effective way to tell another driver, “You’re not going to believe this but you are driving a car right now”
This can never not be funny 😭😭
Grandkids are basically puppies for old people.
Rap: MONEY GUNS & SEX
Rock: DRUGS & SEX
Country: BEER GOD & SEX
Pop: PARTIES GIRLS & ALCOHOL
Dubstep: BWA BWA BABWAA
Sean Paul: SEAN PAUL!
Interestingly, if we invade North Korea because it caused us to miss a movie, that still won’t be the worst reason we ever went to war.
It’s with great sadness that I must say goodbye to you all!
My boyfriend and I argued over how much time I spend on here. He said I must choose between y’all or him. So, I’m gonna be offline for a couple minutes while I help him pack & call him an Uber … I’ll be right back
“Keep it in your pants,” I say, refusing to put my husband’s heavy key ring in my purse.
Imagine if you killed a shark then got reincarnated as a shark but the shark you killed was really popular & all the sharks knew it was you.
Me: *ordering “Boyfriend jeans” online* OMG I can’t wait for them to get here, I wonder what kind of boyfriend they come with!
I’m guessing the best thing about being a zombie is knowing the dance routine to “Thriller”.
People buying a plunger are usually not in a good mood.
Thank you for the lovely invitation card, I will be using it to remove spiders from my house for the foreseeable future.
Told a couple of jokes at a Zoom meeting. Turns out I’m not even remotely funny.
(before sex)
*sings national anthem
I ran over someone and now there’s a bunch of flowers where it happened. It’s like, I came back to apologize, not be lavished with gifts
I poured some root beer in a square glass and now it’s just beer.
Last party I went to before COVID met a guy who worked in finance who told me he was an “experiences manager” and got defensive when I asked him what experiences he manages.
Pro tip: If you eat your sandwich in line you don’t have to pay for it.
Her: I like a man with an air of mystery.
Me: [trying to impress her] I’m under investigation for murder.
My dad says “sometimes I say shit just so she’ll give me the silent treatment!” True love! 🙂
*addresses the elephant in the room*
*puts a stamp on the elephant in the room*
“My pen pal is gonna love this.”
My 19 year old just asked me if she could have a beer and for support she said, “Does it really matter at this point? My college semester is over. You turned my room into a closet. You won’t let me leave the house. My life sucks. For the love of God let me have a drink woman.”
*dresses like a kitty*
*climbs tree*
*waits for new fireman husband to come rescue me*
My stepson and his friend are driving around in my car. If he wrecks it, I have insurance. If he plays Nickelback in it, I’ll murder him.
Forgot about the 12-20 months stage of having a baby where your house is just littered with random objects they picked up, carried around, and dropped for no reason like you live inside a claw machine.
*me, as an uber driver*
oh dang, the gps is saying the fastest route is through this burger king drive through lane
“Stay weird” she said, like I have a choice
Me: tries to sleep
Brain:
M:
B:
M:
B:
M:
B: if one synchronized swimmer drowns do the others have to drown too?