My Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS FORGED BETWEEN OUR PEOPLES LONG AGO.
Me: Stop it, it’s 6 in the morning.
Cat: YOU PLEDGED ETERNAL SERVITUDE.
Me: I did not.
Cat: IN EXCHANGE WE WOULD COME TO YOUR AID IN YOUR HOUR OF NEED.
Me: I’m not feeding you.
Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS.
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Friend: Can I borrow a hair band?
Me: *retrieving Bon Jovi from the basement* Please have them home by 9.
I got gas today for $1.39. Unfortunately, it was at Taco Bell!!
In every successful relationship the MAN always has the last word – “Yes Dear.”
pro: having a lovely time visiting canada
con: nobody would believe me if i got a boyfriend here
Mom, can you come pick me up? I’m at a party and someone is coughing.
How to Feel Comfortable in Your Own Skin
Step 1: Stop wearing other people’s skin
I have way less energy than your average haunted doll.
Who’s this, “Chris Moss,” everyone keeps telling me to marry today? Chris better be short for Christine, or something.
Snooki, but without the orange tan and poofy hair. And she’s in charge of North Korea.
nurse: do u want a pill for anxiety
me: no need i already have it
How do I get Instacart to stop assigning dudes under 30 to my orders? Chad just earnestly queried whether I’d like him to replace my out-of-stock tampons with adult diapers.
Of course I dance like nobody’s looking.
But I also drink like I don’t have to work in the morning.
We have family pictures in 10 days. If everyone starts getting ready now we can still be late.
To anybody who thinks being self-employed means you don’t have to work for a boss you hate, I have terrible news
people really have no faith in me – i told my co-worker, “i had to have coke this morning for a little pick me up” … another co-worker heard me and was like, “what? you did a line before school?”
*in case you all don’t have the faith either – it was a can of coca cola
I’m on a strict seafood diet where I cover everything in salt.
Thank you to all the people who gave their lives figuring out which mushrooms we can and can’t eat.
Overindulged this afternoon.
murdering your brother and then responding “i don’t know. am i my brother’s keeper?” when god, creator of the universe, asks where your brother is because He lost track of one of the four people on earth is just. wow, they don’t make characters like that anymore.
King Crab: look at me, I have delicious legs
Imitation Crab *with funny voice*: look at me, I have delicious legs
Walmart keeps two elderly people on staff at all times: one to greet you, and one to walk slowly in front of you on the way out.
CAT 911: what’s the emergency?
CAT: I can see a bird outside our clear wall
CAT 911: you mean a window?
CAT: no it’s definitely a bird
birds and squirrels envy us
If you need some deep cleaning done today, find someone with ADHD who has a paper due tomorrow morning
This woman ahead of me…Will. Not. Shut. Up. Never mind. That’s a mirror.
When your spouse comes to you excited about a toilet seat, it’s best to remind yourself this person will most likely decide when to pull your life support plug someday so you get excited with them about that toilet seat.
Lied on my resume and said I could code. Boss asked me to take on a project. I paid a guy in Karachi $80 to do it overnight, then told my boss it would take a month.
We’ve done this four times now.
True story: A coworker once asked if I’d seen her earmuffs. Noticing she was actually wearing them, I said, “I think the boss said he found a pair. Go ask him.” (I’m evil.) 😆
“I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”
*turns off lights*
*giggles*
*catcher puts 1 finger down*
*pitcher shakes head*
*puts 2 fingers down*
*nods*
(catcher to umpire)
“can we take a break? he has to poop”