Them: How long can you hold your breath?
Me: 20 years, apparently.
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I have two dogs walking around my house in cones of shame and it’s like living a never ending game of bumper cars
“We are Three Percenters. We are everywhere.”
If you are only 3% you cant be everywhere.
It literally says so in your name.
I appreciate the sun for always moving in the sky in a predictable way but I also respect the moon for just kind of doing whatever
Wind In The Willows: Choosing Nicknames:
Ratty: I’ll be The Ratster!
Toad: I’ll be The Toadster!
Mole: I’ll be The Molest… I’ll be Moley.
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
Jackie Chan turns 65 today and he’s still able to beat the living shit out of all us with a ladder
Y’all will never guess what her husband bought her. I’m hollering!!
Professor i’d like an extension on my paper. why? well my ex just got married & i have to comment “lame” on all her wedding pics on facebook
Me: *Buys nutribullet* will this baby take down a vegan?
Cashier: No, it’s not an actual bu…
Me: *loads nutrigun*
Cashier: What the heck?
Nobody needed expensive gym memberships in the 70s. They had rotary dial phones.
PC: You quit improperly.
ME: You froze.
PC: Next time quit properly.
ME: I didn’t quit.
PC: You lost your data.
ME: YOU lost my data.
PC: Would you like to send a report to Microsoft?
ME: That you fucked up?
PC: That’s not how it’ll read.
ME *reboots
PC: YOU SHUT DOWN IMPROPERLY.
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: So he had grey hair, medium build, grey eyes, no glasses, a grey suit and grey shoes?
DOG: Correct
A fun way to give your man a little scare is to ask him, “Do you know what tomorrow is?” and watch the panic set in.
get yer dragons here! get yer dragons… I have menthol and non-menthol, get yer dragons!!
Let me tell you how you lost this game according to these rules I’ve just made up.
-Kids when you play board games together.
I try extra hard during sex because I never know if there’s a chameleon secretly watching me.
The tooth fairy forgot to come last night. Luckily she woke in a panic at 5 am and visited in the nick of time.
DAD: Look at this mess! Are you trying to attract ants?
ME: [bench pressing 10x my weight] Did they say something?
IF SEAL IS BROKEN, PLEASE NOTIFY ZOOKEEPER IMMEDIATELY
*gets waitress’s phone number*
*texts her before meal is over*
“Napkins????”
The fastest way to teach a kid to ride a bike is to strap their feet to the pedals and chase them with broccoli.
The night the balaclavas slithered out of the sewers and slid onto the heads of unsuspecting sleepers who got up and broke into the empty houses of neighbors who were out breaking into other houses and in the morning we all woke up groggy wondering why we had new living room sets
[god creating raccoons]
Take a cat and make him look like he’s committing crimes
Oh really, we have nothing in common? Then how do you explain neither of us being able to stand me
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
ATTENTION:
Die Hard is not a Christmas movie. It’s the BEST Christmas movie.
Case closed.
Nobody:
Me: “What if dinosaurs really just had that Kardashian vocal fry?”
Take them to a sporting event on your first date. You don’t want to waste time dating someone who claps like an idiot.
ME: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender lol
DATE: Haha, because you say something & he says it back to
ME: He’s murdered 7 people
Me: How awful do I look?
Him: You always look beautiful.
Me: Do I need to put makeup on?
Him: Maybe just a…
*stare*
Him: No.