[lost at sea]
Me: *sees giant shark* yeah, we’re gonna –Movie nerd: NEED A BIGGER BOAT?!
Me: – die.
You Might Also Like
When a child tells you that they have to go potty, you’re about five minutes from too late.
🎵 You make me feel like I’ve been locked out of heaven 🎵
Jesus: “We talked about this, Lucifer.”
Wife – “I’m leaving you…”
Me – “noooooo…”
Wife – “…a hotdog in my will”
Me – “…oooyeeahhhhhh”
My boss always calls me Sweetypie when he wants me to get him coffee..I estimate he’s swallowed a bucket of my spit in the last 4 years..
Me: *points at romantic relationships*
God: *slaps my hand* NO
Currently looking for a Thanksgiving outfit that camouflages me as my mother’s wallpaper…something where I don’t have to pass the peas or her passive aggression.
Me: I have the body of a pro wrestler.
Her: OMG I love The Rock.
Me: Oh, totes, but what are your feelings on sumo?
I have to wonder why we have “non-essential” government employees in the first place.
Basketball games are very squeaky.
I just washed my car in my driveway and people sped up instead of slowing down.
A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says,
“Five beers, please.”
Sick and tired of my bank account taking a hit whenever I buy stuff.
If you could have dinner with any person, living or dead what Arby’s would you go to?
caveman: I’ve invented the wheel!
hamster: finally!!!
reasons why people don’t want to return to offices:
-unpaid travel
-packing lunch
-the bear in the conference room
-dress codes
-the bear stole my lunch
-someone help
-my boss told me to take it up with hr
-it’s eating my sandwich
-code switching
How is it that tomato sauce can stay hot for 16 hours but bath water can only stay hot for 48 seconds?
Why yes, Autocorrect, I AM driving to work in a horse-drawn cabbage.
“I apologize for the misunderstanding”
– Professional
– Non-threatening
– Executive level“Listen here you little shit”
– Assertive
– Life-threatening
– Who knows what will happen next
find these 10 emoji for no good reason
Everyone knows you save the leftover wrapping pieces to make patches to cover the end of the box where the gift wrap shrank.
“I ran a half marathon” sounds so much better than “I quit halfway through a marathon”.
‘All of me, loves all of you’
– John Legend.‘Some of me, loves some of you’
– John Average.
For this Halloween I’ve trained my eyebrows to leap off my face & destroy those who’ve angered me.
Me, in my teens: *tries a new hobby*
Me, in my 20s: *tries a new career*
Me, in my 30s: *tries a new burner on my stove*
Hubs: Kids are still asleep! Know what that means?
Me: We have to be quick!
*Runs to the hidden box of Cocoa Puffs and pours 2 big bowls*
*”accidentally” drops my gym membership card from my wallet in front of a cute girl*
Me: Oh gee, I seem to have dr—
*300 fast-food coupons flutter to the ground following it*
Doctor: You have acute alcoholism.
Me: Thanks, but let me tell you it’s not very cute in the morning.
In 6th grade I had an ugly pimple on my nose that left a scar and I told my friend I got bitten by a spider…dude called me Batman because he didn’t know shit about comics
I cannot stop laughing at this
[deathbed]
Son….come closer
“Yes dad?”
We need a new man of the house
“I’d-”
*presses fake mustache into his hands*
Give this to your sister