cats: you just cleaned this box, i must use it
dogs: I can’t use a clean area, I must go where everyone has gone before me
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Trying to keep the riff raff away.
The guy that figured out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably had a lot of explaining to do.
Computer keyboards should have a removable crumb tray, like toaster ovens.
The exchange I heard between my 4 year old and my husband when an ad popped up on her tablet. 4 yo: Can I have this? Husband: No, you can’t have an online Bachelor’s Degree in Nursing
I’m too old to still be “getting too old for this.” I’ve arrived.
I don’t get the uproar over guns made with 3D printers. I mean how would anyone get a potential victim to put those glasses on anyway?
hikers: a yeti oh my god don’t eat us ahhh!
adorable snowman: rawr
hikers: awwww
*starts eating them*
hikers: AWWWW
here we see Penny the diving kitty mid-triple pike, let’s see if she lands this one Steve
Lady Doritos was my favorite character in Macbeth
No matter how good your raspberry body wash smells, don’t be tempted to drizzle it over your ice cream. I’ve been burping bubbles for days.
Imagine your card gets declined at Hogwarts and you have to go to public wizarding school
How quickly family vacations go from omg we only have 4 days left to omg we still have 4 days left
I appreciate and am so thankful for all law enforcement officers
…until I’m driving.
apartment hunting is so sick. landlords are like hey we need you to hand-submit an application to our friend gary. he lives in a treacherous swamp. he will run a credit check and ask for a lock of your hair. 1st months rent is due on move in. please mail a money order to florida
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
Boy George: Do You Really Want To Hurt Me?
2020: Haha you have no idea.
Hinder: an app that locates available singles nearby who will stall your life in some significant way
Getting pretty tired of Vin Diesel hopping into the passenger seat yelling “PUNCH IT” when I am just trying to eat my lunch alone in my car
I just had scrambled tofu with veggies because my kid makes me eat healthy and damnit why is this happening to me ? I’m a good person …
Him: Can you pay? I left my wallet in my other pants.
Me: You have other pants and you wore those?
I think I was like 19 years old before I realized pirates had English accents
If the wife and I ever separate, she’ll definitely miss having a finger jammed in her mouth whenever she yawns
VITAMIN WATER: we’re like water, but with vitamins
ME: which ones
VITAMIN WATER: well sugar is a vitamin
ME: no it’s not
VITAMIN WATER: what about blue
I’ve really grown as a parent recently. Outwards.
netflix subtitles be like (speaking foreign language) bro translate it
Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t use an everything bagel as a loofah in the shower tomorrow
Hiking is a great way to get fresh air, exercise, and find spots to hide the person you murdered.
[gym]
me: please wipe that down when you’re done
guy at urinal: what