[last supper]
drunk jesus: *swinging baguette wildly* You want a piece of me!?
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goldfish mafia
I put my thing down, flip it and reverse it
– me, plugging in a USB
[first weekend away from the kids]
ME: lemme sleep 5 more minutes
PRISON GUARD: ma’am your husband posted bail Friday
Before kids: I’ll never let my kids eat that garbage.
After kids: “Hi, do you guys sell that cereal that’s just the marshmallows?”
[texting]
Me: I’m over IT.
Friend: Over what?
Me: You know…IT.
Friend: IT is a pronoun that could mean anything.
Me: IT as in Information Technology.
Friend: You CAN’T be over that.
[1 week later]
Me, via handwritten letter: Well, I am.
HER: where were u last nite
ME: *turns on airplane mode*
HER: did u just say *turns on airplane mode*???
I’m pretty bad at math until someone orders mozzarella sticks for the table.
If you keep your curtains open at night, please know I WILL slow down as I drive by to critique your decorating and see what you’re watching.
Wow, my son running for student body president just punched a kid on the school newspaper & then the school board made my son the principal.
Just a reminder that you’re not allowed to hit your coworkers. Even if they’re stupid.
I asked.
Twice.
Toddlers are physically weak but make up for it with their brutal honesty about your appearance
I swear babe, I’m a virgin, it must be a miracle.
*Joseph rolls eyes
Me: When I walk into the room everyone hisses at me
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like filling my house with vipers was less awesome than I’d imagined
“well i asked asked her to move in after 3 months but i don’t think-”
[cop interrupts me] do you know how fast you were going IN YOUR CAR
[God creating the raccoon]
God: make it cute with a lil mask
Angel: haha aw okay
God: also make it eat trash
Ran down the stairs without a bra on and my husband thought I was clapping. I was not. I was not clapping.
Me: I’m going to start eating healthier!
*buys exactly the same groceries + 1 carrot*
Me: Nailed it.
I texted my husband and reminded him that you guys told me a couple of weeks ago that it doesn’t take 6 hours to play 18 holes of golf.
His response, “You can’t believe everything you read on the Internet.”
How many vultures circling you is good luck?
[lying with girlfriend & looking up at the stars]
“Hey–”
*points to shooting star*
“You’ve put on a lot of weight.”
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
Husband is leaning dangerously out of window whilst he cleans it. Only thing stopping me from shoving him out is that he cleans the windows
[hand sensing faucet factory]
Worker: sir, we are ready to load the hand recognition software
Boss: ok great but *shows picture of me* make sure it doesn’t work for this guy
Friend: Your makeup looks nice.
Me: Thanks. I went to a wedding last weekend.
10: this game took forever to download! It took like almost 1 minute
me: *laughs in dial-up*
IDEA FOR COURTROOM SKETCH ARTISTS: a camera
On the third date, I like to buy the girl a really big meal so she’s already used to not finishing
There are no pants in heaven.
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”