Son: But I’m not hungry!
Me: I heated that pop tart for 22 seconds! You’re gonna eat!
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If we could see the world through the eyes of a child, we’d see so many more doorknobs.
It took a full year of homeschooling but I managed to teach my children how little I know.
Fact: Chihuahuas shake so much because their blood is two thirds Red Bull.
The vegetable crisper or as I call it, the cold garbage can.
If I had to choose one word that encapsulates me, I’d say skin.
Sometimes, you have to ask yourself: is my potato cheating on me?
him: there’s been another burglary how do people get into that
me: no idea *putting halloween masks on the kids and handing them bags* let’s start with the rich houses
[Me as a boxing commentator]
ME: Oh no, they’re fighting again, this is just like last time
People who design casino/hotel carpets clearly have the best drugs on earth.
Tell me your best thing today. Mine was I went to see ‘The Meg’ at the cinemas and this jerk kept kicking my chair. So I got up halfway through the movie, sat down in the empty chair behind him and kicked his chair until the end of the credits. 10/10, would pay $20 to do it again
[after seeing a sign for pet fencing] omg imagine the little swords
When you’re over 40 and a part of your body starts hurting for no reason that is nature sending a “what ya doing?” text.
The only reason an IKEA kitchen will last you 25 years is because it takes 23 years to put it together
Sure, make fun of my cargo shorts but sooner or later you’re going to need a martini shaker or a map of 11th century France.
I am “cool” and “chill” and “stuck inside the walk in freezer.”
My diet plan consists of multiple naps.
Because you can’t stuff your face when you’re sleeping.
I tell women I can’t open that jar because I have a headache.
I’m going to write a comic book about a superhero whose superpowers include super speed, teleportation, and surprising unsuspecting citizens with mimosa stations.
My 5 year old is stuck inside a duvet cover right now so I think I’m going to go for a walk and just let Darwin solve this one.
Me: *leaves body to science*
Science: *starts crying*
handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t reference any other achievements?
Come back after dark. Bring your friends
I’m proud to announce that am winning my fight against sobriety.
Crime tip: commit all your crimes in space NASA is not the space police there are no laws up there you will not go to jail
Janay Rice says the elevator attack was all part of God’s plan. God must not like her very much.
New hobby: Swap text for sponsored ads
WIFE: Did you sleep with my sister?
INSOMNIAC: No
*takes 5 more shots*
liver: wyd
brain: wyd
stomach: wyd
me to an ex: wyd
me: *pretending to know about vegetables to impress the cashier* corm is one of my favorite yellows
*gingerly taps banana*