[first day as car salesman]
Customer: electric windows?
Me, taps window: glass
Customer: break horse power?
Me: oh yeah, this will smash a horse to bits
Customer: 4 wheel drive?
Me, quickly counts: yup
Customer: manual?
Me: in the glove box
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It’s amazing that a microscopic sperm colliding with a microscopic egg could create something so stupid
cop: know why I pulled you over?
fortune teller: well let’s just see (flips over tarot card that shows a skeleton in a car doing 45 in a 35) ah frick
My idiot future husband is out there somewhere pushing a pull door. I just know it.
Some guy with hair said I was bad at descriptions the other day.
TWITTER: Nowhere will you find more gratuitous cleavage.
RENAISSANCE FESTIVAL: Hold my tankard of ale.
If I get on an empty elevator and I see a group of people coming, I will hit the close door button 27 times in 3 seconds.
Gmail is down. My wife is running around screaming. The toddler just cursed at Grandma. Grandma spat at the toddler. The dog is dancing to Slipknot. The freezer is burning. The floor is lava
🤦🏻♀️😂😂
My childhood imaginary friends grew up to become groupies for my very successful air guitar trio.
ME: cheese omelette
WAITER: chicken or Cadbury Creme eggs
ME: hmmm… you know what, surprise me
*reading news story about how great some guy is* wow this guy sounds great *reading further* oh no, he’s a bomber and he’s dead
I can’t remember if Moses was DC or Marvel
deleting dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (he and his donkey rescue me from a tower guarded by a dragon)
How to become a Saint
1: Become Catholic
2: Live an exemplary and pious life
3: Perform at least two miracles
Or…Just Be Kanye’s baby
For those who wanted a world without vaccines, this is the world without ONE vaccine.
Next time you kill thousands of innocent people in a disaster, tell the judge you “work in mysterious ways” and see how far it gets you.
They’re called werewolves.
Whoever the first person was to throw shit in to a fan must have had a lot of explaining to do afterwards.
disney: we want a nice elegant design that just says ‘Walt Disney’
graphic designer: Walt Gisney
disney: looks great
You can lose a lot on a no carb, no sugar diet. I tried it and immediately lost my will to live.
Son: What’s this spell? *waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: I’m not sure, bud.
Son: PAY ATTENTION! *aggressively waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: Ummmm, truck?
Son: Were you even looking? Try again. *pointedly waves finger wildly in the air*[repeat ad infinitum]
me: here’s an idea. a dishwasher that ‘beeps’ when it’s finished
CEO: yeah. like, twenty times
me: lmao two or three times is more than enou-
CEO: TWENTY TIMES
me: but-
CEO: T̶̨̮̲̱̎͐̾͒͑W̴̨̺̭͛͗͆̀E̸̦̾̇͗͝Ṅ̴̦̪̿̇T̸̩̫̐̾͒Y̷̨͇̯̞̌́́͌ ̵̧̜͚͛̕͘T̶̛̞͑̒͑̅Ḯ̵͚̆̕M̵̫̠͉̀Ë̸͔̝̬́̌̈͘S̶̝̘̓̽͒̒͑-
Ive just finished writing my first ever childrens novel. It’s called ‘We’re poor because of you’.
“TGIM!” – My liver
I’m bathing in hot water with a bunch of vegetables, herbs and spices! The mayor has a big wooden spoon and he’s swirling the water around for me.
Mom is now sending me pictures of her lasagna and the recipe she apparently found in a sunken pirate ship.
Stop right there babe, you need permission to enter the pillow fort.
*watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days*
pfft… I could do it in 8
The number of decades in your age directly correlates to the days of recovery you need after a night out
My grandad’s novel about his killer bicep workout would’ve been a huge success if that jerk Hemingway hadn’t stolen ‘A Farewell to Arms’