You should never bribe someone to get what you want. You should blackmail them, it’s cheaper and much more effective.
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Mafia Boss: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Fishes: we’re not sleeping with this nerd
Me: um technically the plural is *fish*
I’d use my best pan on you.
She uses her boyfriends toothbrush without his knowledge and wears his underwear every day….I eat a dog biscuit ONCE and I’M the weirdo???
To inspire all the wonderful women of Twitter I’m sending you all good vibes today. Tomorrow I will ship the batteries.
I love when young people try to insult me and say ‘It’s way past your bedtime old man’. Bro, it’s not an insult, it’s a reminder.
First thing on my bucket list is to jump off a cliff and the rest are just tricks I’ll do in the air.
People who put a strip of bacon on a donut, where does it end? You wanna put a braised lambshank on my cupcake? Why don’t I open up my chocolate croissant and you can shove a live trout in it
ME: I’m allergic to suggestions.
FRIEND: You should get that checked out.
ME: *swelling up like a balloon* You’re not the boss of me.
fool me once shame on you. fool me twice shame on me. fool me a third time this is a pretty good scam can i get in on it
doctor: “is there anything that runs in the family?”
wife: “hm not really”
me: “the dog jogs a lot”
Why is it wealthy people can refuse to pay their bills and suffer no consequences, but if I don’t pay my electr
A 12-year-old just yelled out the passenger window of his mom’s SUV that I don’t look very attractive (I’m wearing a mask).
I can’t begin to express how relieved I am that preteen boys want nothing to do with me, so I will never be removing this mask.
Changelings are a myth, you say? Then explain why my 5yo suddenly doesn’t like cheese anymore
COP: I need to see some ID
ME: [hands him ID]
COP: this isn’t yours
ME: you said “some”
COP: lol wow good point you’re free to go
My 4 YO pointed out that we put socks on during the day and take them off at night and that means our feet are nocturnal
I knew all that yoga stretching and bending would come in useful some day…
…I thought to myself as I contorted my entire body to retrieve a mini chocolate egg that had rolled under the bed.
Monsters can’t hide under my bed. That’s where my cats have their fight club.
j o i m p
ME: [sitting on iphone] europe. europe. EUROPE. europe
[5 hrs later]
ME: ok fine maybe ur right
WIFE: what did you think airplane mode meant
Which one of you shrunk all of my jeans?
Welcome to “I HEARD THE CAT PUKE BUT DON’T KNOW WHERE” the game where your eyes try to find it before your feet do.
*reads recipe and sees “raisins”
Well, that’s not going to happen.
Me: I picked out a pricy rock I think you’ll like
Her: You mean you’re finally going to propose to me?
M: I was talking about your headstone
*at casino*
When he hands you $100 and asks you to go get chips, do not ask him Doritos or Lays. Get both.
It will leave him speechless.
My superpower is to make anyone I wanna make comfortable feel uncomfortable.
Yesterday I was feeling off but today I knocked over a small pitcher of soy milk in a diner trying to check my reflection because a really hot girl walked by so I guess I’m back
Some people will tell you mosquitoes and spiders play an important role in nature and I’m here to tell you we don’t need those people either
There must be so many advantages to being a president or a king, but I’d wager that the most exciting of all is never having to carry your own house keys.
I’m trying to convince my boss that “ffs” is short for
“For faster service”
so I can put
“What do you need now, ffs”
in all my emails
I’ve reached the age where haircuts would be cheaper if my hairdresser charged per strand.