I don’t go to the circus. Not because I’m scared of clowns, but because I’m scared of people who go to the circus.
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[Leaving for work]
*can’t find computer bag*
*looks for computer bag*
*finds computer bag*
*sets down computer bag*
*uses restroom*
*can’t find computer bag*
In Starbucks a woman went sh*t house rat crazy when she got a double shot of espresso instead of the triple shot she ordered. I’m fine now.
Good neighbors never bother you.
Great neighbors don’t call the cops when you pass out naked on their lawn.
Date: What are you thinking about?
Me *wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich* I was wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: No
ME: *writing ‘probably a snake’ in my notepad* Thank you.
Before you make fun of older folks, just remember we know where ALL the bathrooms are
GOD: ok, you 2 have basically the same body, now let’s just divide these legs up!
SNAKE: Actually, what say we play cards for it? Winner gets ALL the legs.
GOD: …There is literally no reason to do that.
MILLIPEDE: *Shuffling with 1 hand* No no, he wants to play let him play.
Them: I don’t like you.
Me:
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He hired a clown for my nana’s funeral”
PEOPLE NEEDED CHEERING UP, KAREN
Paying the internet $4.99 to take an IQ test is you failing the test.
ME: How was your first day?
MY CLONE: A lot of people dislike you
Thinking about setting up Costco sample stations around the house to keep the kids busy and fed
PERSONAL TRAINER: How’s your nutrition?
ME: *dipping my burrito into custard* Not going to lie. It’s been worse.
Don’t you dare look at me with that come hither stare; I haven’t hithered in years.
Breaking: New torture report reveals CIA use of Facebook Year In Review videos.
I don’t use dating sites, I meet girls the old fashioned way: never
If you don’t swear when you’re driving, you aren’t paying enough attention to the road.
me: [sets to bed time reminders on my Fitbit to be responsible]
Later that night
Fitbit: time for bed
me: DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO
I was having a shitty Thursday. Then my ex texted me. Now I’m having a shitty Valentine’s Day as well.
My mom keeps telling me there are plenty of fish in the sea. She REALLY doesn’t get me anymore. I. Don’t. Want. A. Fish.
Sure I wish I had focused more on my finances, but back then who knew money would catch on.
Kids are like mosquitoes…
…when they stop making a noise, start worrying
Funny how this Target cashier says “Merry Christmas” like she’s not going to see me 50 more times between now & then.
ME: *getting daily intelligence briefing*
ADVISOR: *shakes head* you still don’t have any
Sometimes words are just not enough
And for such occasions, I have this flamethrower
My dancing style could best be described as “Frantically trying to pet the ghosts of animals only I can see.”
a lot of people think Rob is short for Robert, but it’s actually short for ‘Burglary’
Expressing laughter as “tee-hee” is only acceptable in written form.
Everybody knows that.
They said it was a black-tie affair. They should’ve specified that it was a jacket-shirt-underwear-pants-socks-shoes affair.
Husband: *opens jar of salsa*
Me: That looks like my period