The older I get, the less ‘life in prison’ becomes a deterrent.
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My son almost missed his plane because he thought his seat number was the gate number.
The same kid they said was *gifted* when he was four.
Interviewer: Your resume only has “Mad” under “Skills”
Me: Yeah boyee
Interviewer: *tears up* You’re just what we need. Welcome to Subway.
Welcome to parenthood. The expression “slept like a baby” doesn’t mean what you think it means.
12th Law of Nature: If an adult attempts to nap during the day, an equal and opposite adult will turn on a lawn mower.
I heard a girl telling people that when you cook French toast, you’re supposed toast the bread first and we can’t just be letting people go around spreading this kind of hateful misinformation
My 9: what language does toast speak?
French toast.
I can drop it like it’s hot just don’t ask me to get up
Me: Have you tried turning it off and on again?
Helicopter pilot: …no.
Me: I am so approachable and easy to get along with
Anyone: hey girl
Me: 😠
Anyone: excuse me ma’am
Me: 😡
Anyone: yo mister
Me: 😡😡😡
TOP 5 PAINFUL THINGS:
5: relationship breakup
4. going to prison
3. disease diagnosis
2. death of a loved one
1.
In the future I will replace my feet with chainsaws after accidentally cutting them off with my chainsaw hands.
“Son do you know how to tell if a pineapple is ripe?”
*throws pineapple against grocery store wall*
“Ah nuts that was a good one.”
I started at the bottom and worked my way down.
1995: oh cool, an online book store
2025: “please scan this qr code and take a brief survey in order to flush your toilet”
Yoga Matt
Nothing like suddenly seeing a spider on the ceiling to make you realize you don’t need a nap anyway.
Every single employee in this hotel has said good morning to me. I’m never staying here again.
Me: How was my snoring last night?
Wife [with earplugs in]: WHAT
I’ve received so many Viagra emails my laptop opened on its own.
Hey girl, heaven must be missing an angel….cause it looks like you ate one
[knock at door]
ME: yes?
COP: is there a party going on?
ME: well, it’s my dog’s birthday-
[police dog jumps out with a present in his mouth]
COP: SURPRISE
“This sunscreen smells like eggs.” -me, drunk at the lake and smearing myself with mayonnaise
My wife and I hadn’t cried together in a long time, and then tonight she dropped a full martini shaker.
car salesman: and I’m 95% sure no one has died in the trunk hahaha
me: ok phew haha
*muffled screaming*
car salesman: 100%
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & jumped over a hedge
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a wall with leaves
DATING TIP: When your crush texts you, win them over by playing hard to get. Throw your phone in a river. Change your name. Move to Belgium.
I like dating chicks with kids, because snacks
Fact: it is impossible to hold a machete in a friendly manner.
My son needed a last-minute Halloween costume so I wrapped him like a mummy with my CVS receipt.
You can also scan him for $2 off Advil.
Me: I fell down the stairs with a quart of Jägermeister & I didn’t spill a drop.
Him: Well, how’d you do that?
Me: I kept my mouth shut..