My wife bought us a sex swing, and at first I was like “cool”, because I thought maybe we were getting a giant parakeet.
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Alright, Mr. “In good times and in bad” I just painted my finger nails and I gotta pee. Let’s go.
i’ll tell you this, anyone who breaks into my house is gonna find out why you don’t mess with a guy who collects sparklers
It must be hard to be a rapper knowing at any moment your enemies may make beautiful poems about you
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename the cat.
“Would you rather eat a pound of bricks or a matter baby?” he asks.
“What’s a matter baby?” I ask.
I’m shown a newborn so dense the fabric of space-time sags in a deep gravity well; objects within the event horizon are drawn inextricably to it.
“Uhhhhhh… The bricks, I guess?”
People that say “we’re not even white, we’re pink” obviously haven’t seen the parts of me that have never been in sunlight.
i bet all the girls say “i bet you say that to all the girls” to all the guys.
Reality show idea: an aggressive, Gordon Ramsay-esque plant expert goes to the homes of black thumbed individuals & insults them & flips over pots of soil & comes back 3 months later to see if they have made any plant progress.
My kid asked me for a boomerang so I handed him the apple that has gone back and forth in his lunch for the past week
What if Baby Shark was by Lady Gaga? 🦈⚡️
According to a Doritos bag size I’m a “Family.”
My landlord is very strict about dogs. It doesn’t matter how well-behaved they are. He still won’t accept them as a form of rent.
Person with an intense headache: migraines are terrible
Unsuccessful wheat farmer: mine too
My cover letter is just a picture of me in a sleeveless turtleneck karate chopping the word ‘unemployment’.
ME: My New Year’s resolution is to eat less
WIFE: Good!
ME: (very, very quietly) …vegetables.
I would explain it to you but I’m all out of puppets and crayons.
[while hiking I slip off the edge of a cliff but bend into a boomerang shape and fly precisely back up to my original spot and continue hiking]
“Oh yeah, that thing you REALLY liked last time? Well guess what YOU WILL NEVER SEE IT AGAIN”
-Costco.
Mom Math:
If Child A has 2 scoops of ice cream in his bowl, and child B has 1 3/4 scoops, how many days will Mom have to hear about it?
“So you think you can dance.” should be the title of a Lifetime movie about strippers.
Him: I think you pick fights with me to get out of doing things together
Me: That’s not true
H: Wanna go hiking
M: I don’t like your tone
I just tried to make coffee with my air fryer, so TGIF
If by “interests” you mean vices, then sure, I have several outside interests.
I only ate one meal yesterday. It just lasted for six hours.
Catholic mass is just Catholic force divided by Catholic acceleration
The children were nestled
all snug in their beds
until they had to pee
get a drink
show me they can whistle
and ask me if birds have teeth.
I really like your LED headlights can I look at them with my hammer
Me: I live on an Emu farm.
Them: are all of the animals really sad?
Me: Emu not emo.
Guitar dude: here’s wonderwall
Clumsy dude: here’s blunderwall
Pirate dude: here’s plunderwall
Thor dude: here’s thunderwall
Store dude: here’s refunderwall
Escaping dude: here’s underwall
Blue dude: here’s undertheweatherwall
Pixar has made me feel affection towards rats, bugs, fish, robots, monsters and even cars. The real test would be a movie about coworkers.