Critic: I don’t like your work
Me: buddy, *I* don’t like my work
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SHAGGY: hey Scoob you look like you have a bad case of updog
SCOOBY-DOO: rut’s updog
SHAGGY: not much what’s up with you man lol
SCOOBY-DOO: ruck rou Raggy
[Sesame Street casting]
Director: We need role models for the kids
“There’s a grouch and a cookie addict”
Director: Anything else?
“Two jobless roommates”
Director: First of all I love it
interviewer: how well do you perform under pressure?
me: I’m better at bohemian rhapsody to be honest
Me: *tries to knock 1st kite out of tree using 2nd kite*
*gets 2nd kite stuck in tree*
Genie: please don’t w-
Me: I wish for a third kite
[parent-teacher conference] *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
Detective: The robber broke into the Popeye’s but didn’t take any money, in fact no one has seen him leave.
Me *disguised as a cop*: Weird, right? We should put the fried chicken and red beans and rice in my Corolla for protective custody.
Pretty girl in front of me at Panera ordered a frozen cold brew and before I could stop myself I said, “Ah yes, the coldest brew of all,” and she moved away from me.
COP: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
OCTOPUS: They’re tentacles
COP: OK PUT ALL 8 TENTACLES UP
OCTOPUS: Two are my legs, dude
COP: Just go. I give up.
Me: fills tub with blood of virgins to keep my youthful glow
Also me: ruins everything by absentmindedly tossing in a bath bomb
the human wiped away my eye booger. only to pet it back onto me. i have never experienced such betrayal
Look, I’ve been a widow struggling for four years to raise my kids on my own. Hallmark told me I should have tripped over a handsome hunk of man, who turns out to be rich, with a good heart by now.
This is bullshit!
Love the deli paper on the doctor’s table. Mmm I’m a sick little sandwich
Just saw that tonight is the 8th annual final concert ever for KISS.
I don’t have Facebook I use the police to tell my friends and family when I’m doing badly
The coolest part of the Bible is where one couple somehow populates the world by having kids from every race and ethnicity.
[cop sniffing me] you’re all over the road get out of the vehicle
[me after putting on too much hand cream] I’ll try
COWARDLY LION: Give me courage
SCARECROW: Give me a brain
ROB THOMAS: Gimme a heart, make it real or else forget about it
TIN MAN: Oh ok Rob
it’s okay if the earth is flat i’m round enough for both of us
All I’m saying is never trust a towel that’s not hanging in it’s normal place when you get out of the shower…
Your honor I didn’t teach myself the ukulele for fun I did it to defend myself in court today through song
*Me as Dr. There was a complication so I replaced ur eye w/a mini magic 8 ball.
Patient: Seriously?
*shake his head. All signs point to yes
Obama: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of Joe.
Joe: no please no more.
Obama: shut up Joe. *takes a sip of Joe*
Me: I’m nervous about dinner with your parents.
Wife: Why?
Me: I never know what to say.
Wife: Just be yourself. Say whatever is in your heart.
Me at dinner table: I hate all of you.
wife, giving birth: we have got to get to the hospital ASAP
me: who’s all gonna be there
That depressing moment when you pull up to work and the building is not engulfed in flames.
“I think Esmerelda’s in trouble!”
“What makes you so sure, Quasimodo?”
“I have a…”
…
*sunglasses*
…
*turns to camera*
…
hunch.”
this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don’t know who’s winning
The neighbor heard me talking to myself so I had to pretend to be on the phone.. again
If anyone asks, I’m drinking all this wine to collect corks for a pinterest project.
Today is going to be a good day. I can feel it.
*finds there’s no coffee*
{Mood swing in 3…2…1…}