[Girl from Willy Wonka turns into a blueberry]
Wonka: Call in The Blue Man Group!
[Blue Man Group rolls her out while singing Eiffle 65]
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I like my men how I like my cheesecake, rich and straight to my behind.
If IKEA and LEGO combined forces our children could make our furniture.
DATE: I’m leaving
ME: Why?
D: You keep pretending to be a bat
M: I don’t
D: You’re doing it right now
[a single tear rolls up my forehead]
As an ex-smoker, if I’d known back then just how many balloons I’d be expected to blow up in later years, I’d have thought twice about ever having kids.
You can flash your library card when you’re walking into Costco. They couldn’t care less.
[pulled over]
Cop: Sir the reason I stopped you is your license plate is just a piece of paper with numbers written on it
Me: (offers badly drawn $100 bill) Oh you don’t say maybe this will clear everything up
Coworker: How did your review go?
Me: I don’t know…I thought playing “Epic” by Faith No More was a strong symbolic start…
Coworker:
Me: Apparently putting a live, flailing fish on her desk was lost on her too.
My 7yo son has learnt how important it is to spell properly after I took him to a sweatshop for his birthday, as requested.
BOSS: How’s the project going?
ME: It’s going okay.
BOSS: Are you worried it won’t be done in time?
ME: I’m not worried at all.
BOSS: Good.
ME: It absolutely won’t be done in time.
Food bloggers could post a recipe for ice and it’d still be 3 pages long.
I feel like if one pizza roll bursts then they all join in for solidarity
Turns out Leaf Blower Guy, my neighbour of 10 years, knows my actual name so I guess I’m left with no choice but to do the adult thing here and find out his by stealing his mail.
wife: I should have never let you take that morse code class
me: shhh *listening to the hail hit our roof* the storm is talking to me
how come some families are all, like, “we’re direct descendants of many important historical figures,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle cletus.”
there’s two types of people inthe world: cops who are a week from retirement and robbers who want to go straight but have to do one last job
Me: *falls down entire staircase*
(20 full seconds of silence)
Dad: …careful.
Maybe dogs are smarter than us because they found a way to get fed and housed without having to go to college and get a job
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
Do you realize that if real women had the same proportions as Barbie they’d be only 11.5 inches tall?
If we could harness the fake enthusiasm put towards wishing people a happy birthday on Facebook, we could power half the planet.
50% of modern life is trying to figure out what’s beeping.
Cop:” So you confess to striking the victim with I must say, rather impressive moves.”
Me: “Mr Miyagi is my Sensai.”
Cop:”It is still considered assault though.”
Me:”It was self-defense, Sir!”
Mr Miyagi: “Anna San, they were smacking their lips and slurping on their salad.”
Twitter has ruined my chance at a political career.
Thank goodness.
I had my arm bandaged all day because I got a large tattoo yesterday. So today coworkers were all, “WHAT HAPPENED?”
My answered ranged from “arm herpes” to “sex swing injury.”
My toddler asserts dominance by demanding ice cream then just holding it till it melts and I have to clean it up
ME: You could cut the tension with a knife
CABLE CAR OPERATOR: Please don’t
Everyone is exhausted by the pandemic, except my neighbor’s dog who has been barking non-stop since 2016.
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
[chiropractor]
Dr., your client Tony is here
-Tony? The guy whose skin is made of bubble wrap
Yes
-Oh hell yes clear the rest of my schedule
How to sleep:
1. Lay down
2. Dim lights
3. Dwell about literally every mistake you’ve made in your life for 6 hours
4. Rest for 9 minutes