If the sprayer in the sink can’t get it off and the dishwasher can’t get it off then I assume it’s just meant to be a part of the pan.
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I saw a dad peeing at a urinal while holding his kid on his shoulders and I was so in awe of his dad skills I just gave him my kid to raise. He’s better off now.
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
Coworker: What’s twitter like?
Me: The door handle is broken and the maid is drunk.
Me at dinner on a first date: I’m not answering any more questions without a lawyer.
Boys are cute how they’re all “I like girls that don’t wear heavy makeup” and “get down from that tree near my window or I’ll call the cops”
Rival dad just flexed on my bird feeder post telling me about his with a built in camera. I may not recover from this.
Why is it pronounced ar-kan-saw and not ar-you-sure-you-wanna-go-here
Coworker: What are those chocolate coins you guys get on Hanukkah called?
Me: Gelt.
Coworker: Guilt?
Me: No, Jews get that all year round.
Sometimes I need “Eye of the Tiger” playing to get me to leave my bed.
For a happy marriage, never closely watch them eat.
Just know that when I say “the other day” I actually mean anytime between yesterday and 10 years ago.
Me: My Amazon order arrived!
Him: What did you get?
Me: *scratches behind dragon’s ears* Nothing important.
Him: New happy pills?
Me: Maybe.
Me: *Applying for a second mortgage*
Banker: *shuffling papers* I just don’t understand how you got the first one on this Bouncy House.
Date: any pets?
Me: a pet rock
D: lol at least u don’t have to housetrain it
Me: *flashback to piles of pebbles all over my house* haha yeah
If you ever see me with one of those stick figure family bumper stickers it means I’m dead and someone is wearing my skin
[trust fall exercise at work]
CW: *closes eyes, falls, hits floor* OUCH! WTF?! YOU DIDN’T CATCH ME!
M: Sorry, I thought it was optional.
Normal people flirting: Hey you’re cute we should go out sometime
Me flirting: So do you like bread
How long do you think Samara from The Ring has been waiting for someone else to watch that videotape now?
Stop screaming. Lots of people rub their eyes with toes.
date: can you ask the waiter if he has chicken legs
me: *quietly* no, it’s probably just the way he walks
A tragic kissout between police and suspects leaves over 15 innocent bystanders believing in love again
I walk into the store thinking man I look good today and then the self-checkout security camera had to go and point out that I actually look like Squidward
keep your circle small. bridesmaid’s dresses are expensive.
Carrots are a great thing to eat when you are hungry and want to stay that way.
I can’t come into work. I opened a cursed sarcophagus and now I gotta put a pharaoh’s soul to rest. I DUNNO, TAD, I’LL PROBABLY BE IN MONDAY
The seatbelt sensor dinged at my 5yo because he unbuckled while we were parked, and he yelled back MY MOM SAID I COULD OK
[Beautiful songbirds begin to dress me]
Me: I don’t want to wear that shirt today
Songbirds: We don’t care
Nothing creates permanent frown lines quite like receiving anti-aging skin products as a birthday gift
It’s alright if we’re doing it all wrong. After all, we are the first generation to deal with midlife crisis by staring at our phones.
Today, I want to talk about petting a cat with wet hands and why that’s no good for your hands or the cat.