Wow, according to the New York Times, just kidding, I have no idea what’s going on.
You Might Also Like
My 5yo was kind enough let me know that breakfast was gross but she liked the texture
Today I became an Australian citizen and I got bitten by a spider. Unlikely coincidence IMHO. 🇦🇺
I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you.
Remote start, keyless entry, feature allows me the privilege of losing my keys- while I’m driving.
what if we kissed on the garfield couch
My friend’s girl broke up with him because she didn’t like his pet lizard.
I knew she didn’t like him from the gecko.
[at a movie theater]
Cashier: Can I help u?
Me: One large cornpop please
C: Sir it’s the other way around
Me: Ok- can I help u?
“This is mine”, he growled passionately into her ear. “Are we clear?”
Breathlessly, she agreed. She wouldn’t try to eat his nachos again.
I had the car up on the jack loosening the lug nuts, neighbor says you’re going to kill yourself here let me show you, and that’s how you get someone to change a tire for you.
Officer – Do you know how fast you were going?
*Looks up from phone*
No idea
Earth: Sorry, but I love the sun now, and nothing’s going to come between us.
Moon: *throws shade*
[on phone with friend]
Friend: Did you just throw up?
Me: No, that’s the sound I make when going from standing to sitting now.
My husband pissed me off so I poured a quart of oil under the hood of his truck. That should keep him busy.
Amazon Review Guide
⭐☆☆☆☆ – I’m angry and taking my slight inconvenience out on you
⭐⭐☆☆☆ – Your product is crap
⭐⭐⭐☆☆ – Average
⭐⭐⭐⭐☆ – Great product!
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ – Average but I feel bad leaving a lower rating
WIFE: He’s too literal and unromantic
THERAPIST: Tell her something that comes straight from the heart
ME: [whispers in her ear] Arteries
“Ok folks who ordered the macaroni & bees?”
“you mean cheese?”
[waiter struggling to keep bowl covered]
“that does make more sense actually”
son: i caught a tadpole!
me: actually that’s a dadpole
son: i’m confused
*from fishing net* hi confused, i’m dad
Flat Earthers must lose their minds when they realize it’s called the atmosphere and not the atmoflat
Me: yes, I’ll take the free burger
Cashier: sir, you have to buy one to get one
Me: I only want one though, the free one
When you find the right person, hang on to them with all your might, cuz getting any help at Home Depot can take forever.
[crowd surfs up to lead singer] can u skip all the stuff from ur new album
Me: *annoyed that 3yo never wants to get in the bath and then never wants to get out of bath*
Also me: *procrastinates getting in the shower because comfy and lazy and then doesn’t want to get out of the shower because comfy and lazy*
What’s it called when you’re sucking in your stomach but it looks like you’re not?
As the mother of two kids under 5, I’m always playing a game I call “Is this normal, or is my child a sociopath?”
Yes opposites attract, my husband dunks basketballs and I dunk donuts.
just a reminder that when Shakespeare was in quarantine for the plague, he wrote the lyrics to “thong song”
Three boxes of the same cereal in the pantry are a sign I should consider using a shopping list at the supermarket rather than just winging it.
[confession booth]
ME: I committed all 7 deadly sins in 30 minutes
PRIEST: wow I gotta hear this
ME: I was angry and envious of my neighbor so I lazily seduced his wife and ate all his groceries and didn’t share
PRIEST: you forgot pride
ME: no, I’m pretty proud of this
ME: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
MY LAWYER: would you please stop saying that