me: how many trees do you see in this picture?
my toddler: all of them.
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Jan 1st: New decade going fairly well, all things considered.
Jan 2nd: Australia appears to be on fire.
Jan 3rd: World War III announced.
If you get on the train while people are still getting off, may your tea be forever cold
Because I didn’t know any better, I always sang “bowels of holly” as a kid.
You make a compelling argument, Morty.
I was led to believe that in the future all health problems would be solved by shrinking a ship and injecting it into the body so that a ragtag crew of loveable misfits could shoot lasers at diseases, but instead we just get told to eat less bread.
[airport]
SON: can i yell bomb?
DAD: no.
SON: hijack?
DAD: nope.
SON: how about shitballer?
DAD: uh yeah i guess but please don’t.
What I was supposed to teach my kid before kindergarten:
1) phonics
2) writing
3) mathWhat I actually taught her:
1) the dance to Thriller
The neighbor has a sign next to the sidewalk under his tree reading, “Caution, this tree has a history of dropping branches.” A “history”? Does this tree have a rap sheet? Is he a bad influence on my trees?
I’m sorry I commented “beautiful horse” on your wedding photo.
ME: *gets down on one knee*
HER: omg
ME: *gets down on both knees* whoa these muscle relaxers are awesome
If you need another reason to stay off Facebook there’s a “turn yourself into a ‘Peanuts’ character” thing going around.
Tf Chris Rock thought Will was coming up there to do? Get Jiggy w/ it 😂😭😂😭
It’s just sad how often I see zookeepers breaking their own “Don’t Feed the Animals” rule.
Waiter: And how did you find the wine?
Me: Well the first clue was the bottle in the middle of the table
We don’t thank them enough for it, but it was really cool that the Black Eyed Peas realized what they were doing was wrong and stopped.
Have no idea why I consider this *so* hilarious. But I do. 🤣🤣🤣
In a few hours, after I become a billionaire, I’m changing all the contact names in my phone to peasant.
Winnie the Pooh is an addict who doesn’t wear pants and lives in the woods. If he were a person, he’d be the first suspect in every crime.
I don’t like Tinder. I’m always having to check Urban Dictionary to find out what these 25-30 year olds want to do with me
My kids teach me something every day. Today my 1-year-old taught me how much plumbers cost per hour. Who flushes a potato?
I get it Roomba, I can’t find my way out of the kitchen either.
funny that they call it a bell pepper, and yet the onion rings
GIRL: There are these two black holes that collided & released more energy than a trillion stars
ME: Damn that sucks. I would never do that
Now that Halloween is over I would like to re-home my poltergeist.
Pros:
Ethically sourced
Fairly quiet
Keeps to itselfCons:
Leaves all cabinet doors open
Eats all the food
May not be a poltergeist and might just be a teenager.
You didn’t hear this from me, but Helen has an overdue library book.
I wish I hadn’t bought so much Encyclopedia Britannica stock in 1999.
tall people make me nervous. what the hell are you doing up there? stop eating the leaves off that tree
Nothing ends a debate like an Asian mom carrying a wooden spoon.