Officer, if I can’t stand in the shoulder of the road, screaming and crying, then maybe they shouldn’t call it the breakdown lane.
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2008: I want a career where I change the world
2012: It’d be great to make decent money doing something I’m proud of
2018: crying in my cube 4x a week is ONLY acceptable if I make enough money to afford tissues
guy at the gym: hey can you spot me
me: ya you’re not even hiding
I always carry a red Sharpie on me in case I have to draw blood.
We like knowing who the fastest person on earth is.
We don’t know why, or how this information will be useful, but we like to know it all the same.
People look at you funny when you put things in their cart at the store.
me: *eating burrito* so how do I die?
psychic: ok I’ll tell you
me: *eating third burrito* don’t you need to use your crystal ball?
psychic: no I’m pretty confident
DAVID AYER: I wanna make a buddy cop movie
THEM: ok
DA: Will Smith is one of the cops
THEM: k
DA: The other cop is a shy, magical orc
THEM: no that’s crazy
EVERYONE AT NETFLIX: Hold my appletini
#BRIGHTMovie
The expression should be “seeing things eyes to eyes”. Otherwise you’re suggesting a meeting of the minds between Cyclops
Shoutout to headline writers, making their own fun.
*Learns sign language to keep arguing with boyfriend while giving the silent treatment*
NO I DON’T KNOW WHY MY KITCHEN ALWAYS SMELLS LIKE BURNT FOREARM HAIR
I want my kids to know they can always talk to me about anything going on in their lives.
Except Fortnite.
Hank is one in a melon.
If you drink straight from the pitcher, it’s technically only one margarita.
I think my wife discovered that I opened a new bag of chips before the old one was finished. Just in case I suddenly disappear.
please stop making me feed my video game characters. i shouldn’t have the fact they are living better than me rubbed in my face like this.
Kinda creepy that my kids got in a screaming match over which one is my favorite since I don’t have any kids.
But seriously- how do Superheroes even go to the bathroom?
I mean, look at their costumes.
My child saw my high school senior picture and practically screeched “MOM WHY DIDNT YOU TELL ME YOU WERE PRETTY??!!” so you guys just go ahead without me
I left a note for my kids this morning to put my clothes in the dryer. Next time, I’ll have to be a little more specific and add START THE DRYER TOO!!!
*starts the “Fight Fight Fight” chant in the background of the conference call as two people argue*
Thanks a lot bathroom doors with the gender written in weird symbols. I just want to pee, not solve a sudoku puzzle.
5yo: Mom is 47!
Husband: She doesn’t look a day over 40.
Me: I’m 37.
Just lean back in your chair and say “caloric”. It’s exhilerating.
6: *practicing her gymnastics beam routine*
Me, with my hand stuck in a Pringles can: don’t forget to point your toes!
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbors who wrestled a large moose last night
Accidentally used the dog’s shampoo today, and I’m feeling like such a good girl.
I’m at the age where if I took an oatmeal bath I would want to add blueberries.
I just sneezed with a cat on my lap and I’m going to need someone to send help I’m losing a lot of blood.