My 4 year olds are looking in the mirror and trying to catch their reflections making a mistake.
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*mother squirrel pulls her child away from the curb just as he’s about to cross the street* junior no! wait for a car to come
THERAPIST: your problem is, that youre perfect, and everyone is jealous of your good posts, and that makes you rightfully upset.
ME: I agree
I eat something every 29 minutes just to ensure no one can ever make me go swimming.
I just got a text from an ex telling me he wanted to “reach out.” This isn’t a work email buddy.
Me: I have too much to do, there’s not enough hours in this day!
Also me: *takes buzzfeed quiz to see what my Easter Bunny name is*
I want you to be cuter than you are, but alas I am drunk and you are a tree.
“Kids, are you asleep?”
Kids:
*turns off the wifi*
MUUUUUUUUUUM
My wife finally got a “Brazilian”.
He seems nice.
I was uninvited to “drop it” because we couldn’t hear Yoncé over my Rice Krispie knees.
“I love you. I’d do anything for you.”
-let me see your phone real quick
“You’re smothering me. I need some space”
DAD i can’t stay with your wife in same home.. she’s hiding all my snacks.
Matt Goss
You’re like a first job.
No one likes you but at least you’re a learning experience.
Welcome to parenting. Here is your collection of markers that have run out of ink, which you will inexplicably hold onto for a minimum of 2 years.
John: we need a new word for foolishness
Tom: How about johnfoolery lol
John: Ok that’s definitely what I’m writing down
I chose trial by fire, witch wasn’t my best idea.
My favorite thing about eating at a traditional Italian restaurant is getting a side of pasta with my pasta
[interview after finishing last in the olympics]
do you regret saying “I could win this race wearing flip flops”
[pulls mic close] yes
There are two types of people, those who pronounce sixth sense “sicksense” and those who pause in the middle
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
[PAPARAZZI] Bugs Bunny is it true u were shot by Elmer Fudd
[BB]°sips drink° that’s ridiculous °water shoots out of holes°
No more questions
[Leaving bar]
GF: You okay to drive?
Me: I’m fine.
GF: You FEEL okay, but what would you blow?
M: 2 guys, tops.
GF:
M:
GF:
M: What?
Me: hahahahahaahaahahaha
Personal trainer: what’s so funny?
Me: oh man I thought you were joking about running
Eleanor Rigby: Yep so I’m a church janitor
The Beatles: So you must be lonely as shit. Like that’s so sad. Man that sucks so much, for you.
Eleanor Rigby: No actually, idk where you-
The Beatles: I’m going to write a song about this
The coolest part of the Bible is where one couple somehow populates the world by having kids from every race and ethnicity.
ME: *doing crossword* What’s another word for upside-down?
WIFE: Inverted?
ME: No, in English Sharon.
Coworker: Are you into heavy metal?
Me: Uranium is OK I guess.
C:
M:
C:
M:
C: I like Metallica.
That’s not even on the periodic table
[first date]
ME: so where are you from?
HER: I’m Finnish
ME: oh ok then [pulls her dinner plate over & starts eating her meal]
HER: wtf?
[titanic, 1912]
Captain: what kind of lettuce do u want on your sandwich
First mate: ICEBERG
Captain: lol no need to shout, Dave