Bank robber: everyone get down now!
me *starts dancing frantically*
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Remember that Pi Day is just a made-up holiday invented by mathematicians to sell you more math.
Congrats to #LeonardoDiCaprio on his first Best Actor Oscar.
You can stop sacrificing goats now.
I prefer to date a man after I see how well he treats his wife.
Hey buddy, if you didnāt want me napping in your pet store you shouldnāt have sleeping rooms filled with puppies.
[kneeling down to watch a worm disappear into a little worm hole in the dirt] godspeed brave little time traveler
What she said: wanna share some nachos?
What I heard: wanna race to see who can eat the most nachos?
Jealous that secret agents can get out of any phone conversation at any time by saying “it’s not safe to talk on the phone right now”
My toddler poured a bottle of lavender essential oil on the floor and Iām calling bullshit on the whole calming effect claim.
Just said āfinger bangā instead of āfinger gunsā and this is why I shouldnāt ever be allowed to speak in public.
[1776]
America: We want the British out[1931]
Australia: We want the British out[1947]
India: We want the British out[2020]
Britain: We want the British out
everything in the world’s horrible now not like the good old days of black plague, holocaust, atomic bombs, holodomor, khmer rouge, crusades
I wore a baggy sweatshirt and leggings to Walmart and before I knew it, I was being wrapped in a blue vest while employees chanted, “One of us! One of us!”
It took me 13 years but I finally deleted most of my e-mails.
He told me I cut my steak like a serial killer, so I whispered “What makes you think this is steak?” While I stroked his thigh with a knife.
[Planning a heist]
ME: Did you scope the place out?
PARTNER: Yes, they have two armed guards
ME: So we’re evenly matched in terms of limbs
Twitter dot com. *sigh*
when someone tells me love is in the air š·
The āSkip Adā countdown on Youtube is more exciting than an Apollo launch.
I wish had the patience of a former coworker who would peel her strawberries
Good news, everyone. I was robbed last night. But I confronted the robber and he agreed to set up a joint robbery task force with me.
When I have more than $20 in my account at the end of the month I have to wonder what bill I forgot to pay.
Me: Now that Iām an adult, I can eat whatever I want.
Metabolism:
If you or someone you love have gone to work today, you may be entitled compensation.
me: I really canāt stay
him: but, baby itās-
me: *tail lights*
“Scolding a cat after it does something wrong has been proven ineffective” – cats
Her: I want you to tie me up.
Me: Sure!
Her: Blindfold me.
Me: OK!
Her: Now, tease me a bit.
Me: Your nose is big & your teeth are crooked.
model UN: we follow parliamentary procedure, you canāt just call ādibsā
me:
model UN: also you can only be countries that exist
me: the nation of flavortown declares war on the UN
I saw a clown doing sit-ups. Funny how things work out.
I ran out of coffee and my husband said I should just have tea instead so the next time he wanted to have sex I said he should just have tea instead
The bath is too wet
– reason 101 my toddler is tantruming