I don’t want to sound alarmist, but EEEEOOOO EEEEOOOO ANK ANK ANK ANK WOO-OOP WOO-OOP WOO-OOP
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nobody compliments good driving. they only complain about the bad stuff. yeah thanks for noticing the very end of our trip how was i doing the entire time we were NOT in a lagoon
I experimented a ton in college. I tried naps in the evening, naps in the morning, sometimes even 3 naps in a row.
{The Mothburbs}
Mom: Oh no!
Dad: What?
Mom: 16 has that glow about her
Dad: Didn’t you have the talk??
Mom: Sure but you remember your first time?
Dad sighs: Wild horses still can’t keep me away from light bulbs
5 SECONDS AGO!
What do we want?
TIME TRAVEL JOKES!
When do we want them?
They found the charred body rolled into an old carpet, locked inside the trunk of a burned out car. The police suspect foul play.
felt cute might bury dad later idk
Flooding- Blame it on the rain
Gluten allergy- Blame it on the grain
Ripped pants- Blame it on the gain
Forgot- Blame it on the brain
Selfies- Blame it on the vain
Lost karate tournament- Blame it on the crane
Love means never having to say you’re sorry.
…so does murder.
Mom: “Do you want this?”
Me: “No.”
Mom: “Ok I’ll give it to your brother.”
Me: “No I want it.”
[Creation]
ANGEL: Ok, bats are done. We just need to decide how they sleepGOD: [on his phone] Hang on
ANGEL: [writing] Bit weird but ok
WebMD: you have all the diseases
Dark WebMD: and here’s how to spread them
She was rare, like a Billie Eilish song I can actually hear at normal volume.
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
me and my boys moving from one free sample station to another at costco
Trust us: the feminine form of ‘ghostbuster’ is ‘ghostbuster’.
So as far as I can tell, the Metaverse is just Animal Crossing but you’re being hunted by Mark Zuckerberg.
Apparently, “over-the-counter medication” doesn’t mean climbing over the counter at the pharmacy and helping yourself.
Dad: Your grandpa used to cut the grass before he died, but now he’s-
Son: Dad please don’t…
Dad: Lawn gone.
someone on this conference call just said “the ball’s in our court so we’ll touch base internally and then follow up to get on the same page” and for a moment i seriously thought i was listening to a parody of a meeting
[being mugged]
ME: can i keep things of sentimental value?
ROBBER: ok
ME:[pulling things from wallet] my favorite cash…my lucky debit card
Why do people draw sunglasses on the sun? It’s like, dude, he’s the sun. They make sunglasses because of him.
[police raid at balloon store]
Cop on radio:”We can hear gunfire is everyone ok, over”
Hedgehog cop inside:”Its not gunfire, over”
me: [donating body to science]
science: [donates my body to goodwill]
I opened the dishwasher and it’s full of clean dishes and I’m scared my wife is going to know that I know.
So creative 😂
Amazon review: Amazon river
⭐☆☆☆☆DO NOT GO HERE! Everything tries to kill you, plus they don’t even have free shipping.
My dad and I both have a gift for figuring out who the villain is in super hero movies we’ve already watched
My Transformers name would be Past Her Prime.
“i wouldnt be caught dead” someone throws a net over my dead corpse “gotcha!!” “noooo”
Before Calling Me, ask yourself “Is This Textable?”