pretty drunk right now and wow there is a lot of gravity on this planet
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me: we should have a housewarming party
dad: [moving to block the thermostat] a what now
I asked my son to look through the playroom for things to donate to goodwill, and he was so generous about it, within minutes, he came back with a whole bag filled with his sister’s toys.
new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people had asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
Me: I don’t have a jealous bone, in my body.
Fibula: Silently plots revenge.
This older woman on this flight next to me just pulled out her knitting so I pulled out my knitting and started talking to her about it and she could not have been less interested. She’s now wearing earplugs. Not even headphones to listen to music. Earplugs.
Dear 6-year-old me: As an adult you won’t need to know cursive but you will need an ability to type with your thumbs. The future is weird.
just clicked the “find my size” button on a clothing website and the prompt that came up said “what size do you normally wear” I selected my size and then it said “you should get that size”
um excuse me what’re we doin’ here
I wonder if serial killers ever leave their knives on the edge of the sink in case they may want to commit two murders.
Being an adult is mostly pretending to like wine and saying “the economy” a lot.
Print is alive and well!!!
I can only imagine how slow Netflix streaming must have been while quarantining for the 1918 pandemic.
Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.
Husband: *Grabs a pillow off the couch* Did we get new pillows?
Me: Uh huh, last year, when we got the new couches
Tuba = Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus
Hey people who say “look at our new baby”,
thanks for clarifying that because my initial reaction was to ask where you got the used baby
I don’t date men unless they have tentacles. It’s called having standards.
Husband said our electricity bills are too high need to cut back
so I asked him to move.
Me: mic is short for microphone
My kid: so my uncle’s name is Microphone?!
Eww. RTing her is like giving your TL an STD
[throws a dart at map of the world]
One day, I’m gonna go over there & pull that dart out. The next time I wanna play darts, probably.
So I ordered a cake from a renowned bakery in Nagpur, through #Swiggy. In the order details I mentioned “Please mention if the cake contains egg”. I am speechless after receiving the order 👇🏼
“girls just want to have fun” no. i want one million dollars cash
This made me smile…
[noir voice-over] I wasn’t a real man. Just three kids stacked on top of each other in a trenchcoat. She knew it, too. She also knew I was the only one who could solve her husband’s murder
I want an app for each website I visit. And I want all of them to have loud videos that play automatically. This is my ideal user experience
[first day as a billionaire]
Me: I’ll take 300 egg mcmuffins and a small cup of your finest coke zero
I’m not interested in your cat unless it’s on its 8th life and about to do something incredibly stupid.
“I’d like you to meet my half sister.”
“Different fathers?”
“Shark attack.”
We value your privacy. We always get top dollar for it.
I’ll write I’ll write I’ll write.