no cat here
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50-year-old drunk bully: “Your mouth is writing checks your body can’t cash.”
20-year-old: “What’s a check?”
Hi, I’m a college professor. Years ago I wrote a terrible book no one wanted. Anyway you have to buy it for 80 dollars
She’s got a great personality!
It’s the other 6 personalities that I’m worried about….
[During sex]
GF: I meant to ask before, but you took the test, right?
ME: Yes
GF: Oh thank God
ME: Apparently I’m most like Chandler
You can almost hear the laughter in the transporter room
My husband said he’d gotten an idea for a gift for me from a show he’s been watching. I just realized that thanks to free HBO on Hulu he’s rewatching The Sopranos. Now I’m a bit concerned.
I don’t care how hardcore you are. If you don’t cry when Dumbo visits his mommy in elephant jail, you have no soul.
The best thing about sitting next to the white guy with dreads on the bus is no one thinks you’re the one that farted
Squid really does seem like the perfect name for that thing
I’m not drunk enough for this
*gets drunk
I’m too drunk for this
It is crazy easy to buy a birthday cake.
Even if it is no one’s birthday.
They don’t even check.
“Judy, if I don’t survive this vicious goose attack, always know that I loved you”
“my name is Denise”
Developer: We have a problem.
Manager: Remember, there are no such things as problems, only opportunities.
Developer: Well then, we have a DDoS opportunity.
I just declined a mandatory work meeting invite. I am drunk with power.
“She loves me not…”
: Picks last petal :
“She LOVES ME!”Flower: “…NOT! LOL nerd”
: Whips out hidden petal shaped like middle finger :
the compUtah Maineframe has crashed and Idaho how to fix it. Alaska round to find out Hawaii it happened. Are Delaware of the situation?
At my age getting up early just means that I had to go pee and I couldn’t hold it anymore.
I be hella fake at work using words I never use in my real life like “awesome”
Doctors would be pretty cool superheroes except for the fact their weakness is apples.
i don’t want to know what five dentists think about a certain toothpaste, i want to know what they think about EVERYTHING. four out of five dentists recommend kierkegaard
Made a really scary jack-o-lantern this year.
Me: read me my Miranda rights
Cop: you have a right to be the smart one. You have a right to finally realize Steve is the one for you. If you do not have a Steve, one may be provided for you
Me: now read me my Samantha rights
Cop [sighs]: you have a right to be the sexy one…
People be like “You knew what you were signing up for when you had kids” as if we had any idea we’d have to homeschool them through a global pandemic
[French restaurant]
DANIEL: Promise me, not again
MIYAGI: Promise. [raises hand] Garcon?
[waiter comes]
D: Don-
M: [waves hand] Garcoff
Saw a grown man riding down the street on a BMX.
I yelled what does BMX stand for?
He replied “DUI”.
Tomorrow’s weather forecast:
60% chance of rain, 15% chance of snow, and 0.0017% chance that none of this is real and you’re just a happy little forest gnome who nibbled on the wrong kind of mushroom.
I’m trying to find my niche, and my nechphew
Our elf hasn’t moved in 4 nights. Daughter asked if he was in a coma
[dragging knife across my cheek] you should be so lucky to find my hair in your food
Wendy’s manager: you are very fired
Putting some of my hairs on the cat, just to even things out.