If using your 4yo as a remote control to fetch things makes you a bad parent, then I’m a bad parent…
A bad parent with an ice cold beer.
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The movie theatre: No outside food or candy allowed
Me:
If you’re hitting the gas every time she tries to open the passenger side door, remember, the 8th time is always the funniest.
*vows*
Groom: I love you so much, & publicly, in front of all our friends, I want everyone to know, Die Hard is in fact, a Christmas Movie!
Teen horror movies taught me one thing. Vampires really want to hang around with us.
I think it’s nice when bank robbers carpool.
When my ex worked out of town, he would take my vibrators away from me. Said I was cheating on him w/them. He shoulda taken his brother too.
All the kings horses and all the kings men probably feel like they’re being grossly underutilized with that whole egg thing.
Your house doesn’t have to be fancy like Graceland or Monticello for it to have a name. I named mine Fred
FYI, let’s grab coffee is code for “how can I end this conversation as quickly as possible without committing to anything.”
Netflix: if you like Murder & Standup
Sorry kids, Santa’s elves only make toys that would sell for under $20 retail.
4-year-old: That chicken is weird
Me: What chicken?
4-year-old: That chicken
Me: That’s a whooping crane
4-year-old: So that’s why it’s weird for a chicken
*stirs coffee with knife*
*licks knife*
“Let’s do this”
*wakes kids for school*
If anything happens to me, please use my Netflix account until it stops listing recommendations “Because you watched Coneheads”
i need to stop taking melatonin before bed because it is giving me fever dreams. last night i dreamed i made a billboard #1 hit single and the only lyric i can still remember is “smokin on that shit that made gumby pregnant”
My neighbor’s facebook movie is just a montage of me caught on surveillance video, stealing his newspaper every morning.
My new hobby is adding unnecessary adjectives like “frozen ice cubes” or “granulated sand” and watching people’s eyes twitch.
Millennial: OMG, you don’t even know how to make a gif? That’s so tragic to me right now. Can you at least make a meme?
Me: I own a house.
The audacity of my parents’ oldies station now playing 80s music.
Friend: Can you give me a ride?
Me: I’ll give your MOM a ride!
[Later]
Me: So Mrs. Tromlhorn, anywhere else besides the dentist?
She looks like she does what the voices in her underwear tell her to do.
Me: To the window; to the wall.
Realtor: Just to be clear we are discussing your house showing.
Dating tip: don’t mention your time as a Boy Scout, let your sash full of badges do the talkin.
Gonna flirt with an electrician by calling them electrocute
I beat the time estimate on Google maps by going a different way and now I need to figure out how to add this to my resume
Me: *checking weather on phone*
3: Mommy, are you texting Peppa Pig?
Me:
3:
Me: Yes, we go way back.
Counting my teeth with my tongue. Not happy. Getting an odd number.
Feels like there should be a middle ground
Robber: Give me all your money.Otherwise you are chemistry!
ME: Don’t you mean history?
R: Don’t change the subject!
*Both start laughing
person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person: hi