Me: I was so happy before I lost my forearms in that shark attack
Therapist: How do you feel now?
Me: With my elbows
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I read that playing mind games will keep your brain sharp. I’ll start tonight by acting like I’m not mad when I really am mad.
Princess Peach has been kidnapped so often, I’m beginning to think she might be Liam Neeson’s daughter.
I want to give away free lab coats on the streets and turn our city’s homeless problem into its crazy doctor problem
What the hell happened here.
Who called it a muzzle and not a hush puppy?
Just had my biannual teeth cleaning like some barn animal.
Every time I go through airport security I’m terrified that I accidentally packed a bomb.
Here me out, Jurassic Barbie.
[farm]
SON: *crying*
ME: Look, I told you not to get attached to the animals because eventually we have to eat them
SON *running away*: I HATE YOU!!
ME: He’s taking it pretty hard… but I did warn him
WIFE: None of us thought you meant the dog
Why call it a staple remover and not an upper left corner of the page mangler?
Don’t talk to me about hardship. You guys will never have to refold a road map.
I hate puns. There ain’t a pun in the world I would ever shar…
Peter Pan is my favorite story about how running away from all your problems will allow you to remain youthful and to possibly fly someday
When the the bladder control commercial with the jingle “Gotta go, gotta go, gotta go right now” came on my 5 year old asked “mommy, do these ladies really have to go to the bathroom or do they just think they do” thus becoming the youngest menopause expert in the world.
Receptionist: Psychiatric Unit, can I help you?
Me: Yes, I’d like to make a reservation…
Jeb Bush: “The Pope should not discuss climate change because he’s not a scientist, although if elected, I will be your wife’s gynecologist”
I took my dog to see “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it. Which surprised me because he hated the book…
Watch closely as the husband quietly approaches the calm children, riles them up into a frenzy, then slyly escapes to watch football.
Good news: My son cleaned his room
Bad news: He found his harmonica
*slides into home plate and crowd goes wild*
Hey everybody, be quiet for a minute!
*pulls out phone, dials number*
Hi mom, I got home safe.
Me: I’ll have one of those to go. A Cargarita, if you will. LOL
Bartender: I’m cutting you off
I attribute my average intelligence to a balanced childhood diet of Smarties & Dum Dums.
My son says I only had kids so I could make them do chores. Like yes, I made a bunch of messy, whiny poop machines so they could cry while doing a crap job of cleaning that I just have to redo later.
[hits you in the face with newspaper]
“Sorry, I thought your eyebrows were caterpillars.”
ME *traps wasp under a cup*
MAGICIAN GHOST WHO HAUNTS ME: *appears & sets down 2 more cups*
ME: no
MAGICIAN GHOST: *starts to shuffle them*
A few years ago I began putting away a dollar everytime I wrote a good tweet about hedgehogs.
I need a new financial plan.
6-year-old: *finds a picture she drew* Why was this in the trash?
Me:
6:
Me: It was too good. I didn’t want to make your sisters jealous.
I’m too immature for adultery.
If someone asks you a question you don’t want to answer just say, “I don’t know. I ran into a sliding glass door and knocked myself out, and now I’m having trouble remembering things.” That will get them off your back for a week.