Why did they call it a parish and not a priestcinct?
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Dear Religion,
Pics or it didn’t happen.
Love, Science
Vodka giveth and vodka taketh away…
It giveth me a hangover and taketh away my underpants.
Amen.
[first day working for IKEA]
Customer: one nightstand please
Me: sorry, I’m married
Still writing 2023 on all my ransom notes.
If I wanted to have a dry January, I would just look at a photo of my ex every morning.
My 5 yr old has “letter bags” at school. Each week we put items into the bag to represent each letter. This week is V. She told us one kid brought “pills”.
Me: Viagra?!
5: I don’t know.
Me: Valium?! Vicodin?!
5: Yeah, maybe….Husband: Vitamins.
Me: Oh, that makes more sense.
Elections?Vote for pizza. Throw the pizza slice in the envelope. Not all of it silly! Just a little corner will do. Eat the rest. As usual
I received a sibling discount when kid number two got braces today. Kid two said I should give her a cut since she “saved” me $200. I told her she actually cost me $5,000. She said, “Yeah, but not $5,200
Trying this hot water diet where you drink a cup of hot water in the morning but so far all I’ve done is burn my tongue and eat 7 donuts.
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
My new driver’s license picture doesn’t look anything like me.
*tapes a little picture of an iPhone over half my face
Now it looks like me.
“That’s what” – She
Dear Son-I apologize for ruining your life by asking you to put your dishes in the dishwasher!
CAPTCHA: Prove you aren’t a robot
Me, a sex machine: *sweating*
My husband says he doesn’t know when it became his job to make the coffee.
I don’t know when it became his job either, but I’m glad he agrees it’s his job.
Deciding to work in HR is like choosing to be the dorm RA for the rest of your life
I hate to brag but I’ve been the biggest mistake of numerous people’s lives.
TV Show Idea:
Speculation news.
A sort of news programme that uses a small amount of information and stretches it out for hours on end with absolutely no further facts other than speculation based on nothing at all, by self appointed experts in unrelated subjects.
when the waiter comes by to see how the food tastes and I’m not ready
What’s it called when your bar is better stocked than your pantry?
Payday
Lady paid me $50 to paint the name “Inspiration” on her boat because “that’s what she is”
Considering writing “The Sea Word” instead.
When a police officer seductively leans into your car window, he’s not going in for a kiss. Now I know.
I love money. I set it free and it didn’t come back. Relationships are hard.
Always leave your door unlocked when you shower in case your kids have an emergency. Like when they have to show you how big their aluminum foil ball is.
Me: I saw Elvis Presley last night.
Her: I’m sure it was an impersonator.
Me: No *hiding shovel* It was definitely him.
When you’re an inflight safety pamphlet designer who definitely knows what babies look like
I have a draft that just says “rhino!” & I cannot even wrap my brain around why I thought that would make sense.
I’m trying to like people but boy oh boy do they make it hard.
I was awake around 4-5am because I needed to pee, but then somehow got my breathing mode stuck in manual versus automatic when trying to fall back asleep. What the hell, brain?