[stepping out of my apartment for the first time at 7 pm after being alone in there all day and not saying a word to anyone]
neighbor: hey there
me: greetums
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When 8 wakes up in the middle of the night and comes looking for me, he’ll curl up next to me and sweetly say “mom, I found you!”. It’s difficult to be upset with him for waking me up.
Difficult, not impossible
My therapist: You cannot be in gratitude and have resentment at the same time.
Me: OK I am grateful for this list of my enemies. It helps me to resent them in a very organized way.
Me- We are here for some new pants for you. Please go and find a pair that you like and will wear
11- Ok
Me- *Waiting*
11- *Searches entire clothing section, returns and hands me a hat
I got robbed last night but in the best way possible: I was pickpocketed which means I didn’t even have to talk to the person who robbed me.
Me: I’m here to collect my pre-demon.
Lady: Sir, at this animal shelter, we call them kittens.
My 4YO said, “did you know some 10 year olds still have moms that are alive?” and I don’t know if this is just a random observation or a veiled threat.
Kinda bullshit that alcohol isn’t considered a work expense, but ok
[december 31st]
me: I really don’t want toguy who made up that statistic about eating 8 spiders a year: *passing me a bowl* andrew. please.
im not former gifted student. i am still gifted. put me in a fourth grade class i’ll annihilate them all like i did the first time
Don’t you wish it was as easy to adjust the brightness level on people as it is on your phone?
Genie: I shall grant you three wis-
Me: I wish my ex would fall back in love with me
Genie: here’s the thing Jeff, Kate’s with me now…
[shark tank]
ME: my idea is a length of leather with the entire bible text etched onto it—I call it the saving strap
HOST: have you considered the bible belt
ME: yes we predict good sales there
[blind date]
So,where you from?
[eyes turn black]
T h E S E v E n T H C i R C L e O F H e L L
Oh nice. ever miss it?
[cries blood]
Y e s
sent my boyfriend a post-ambien text last night that said “i’m going to sleep, do you want anything?” proving my subconscious is stupid, but kind
Anybody want to buy some exercise equipment? I’m having a going-out-of-fitness sale.
Find someone more giddy with excitement than my husband who stopped the car between the Canada-US border to joke that we left the kids in another country
If science is so great why do we only have one vegetable on the cob
My favorite Bible stories are where women are villains for things like picking fruit or getting their boyfriend a better haircut.
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
Guy: I hate my spouse.
Friend: You gotta end it.
Guy: I also hate myself.
Friend: You gotta en… learn to love yourself!
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
This year for Mothers Day, I’d just like all the charging cables back that my kids have stollen from me
i like to buy frozen diced onions…gives me extra time to cry about other things while i cook
My parents are coming so I’ve put drop sheets over the entire house to look like we’re in the middle of painting. I don’t want them to know we live like this.
Congrats to everyone who just got cast in the new Star Wars movie. The film industry is telling you they think you look like an alien.
I wish I had the confidence of someone publicly donning a cloak
Simultaneously brilliant and awful.
[Genetics Lab]
Me: One designer baby, please
Doctor: It’s not like that, you..
Me: Please remove the pooping and crying functions
Doctor: What? No, you can’t…
Me: Give it wings and flamethrowers
Doctor:
Me: I’m gonna call her Claire
The opening ceremony for our ribbon repair business was pretty confusing.
Me yesterday: I’m gonna get so much done during this quarantine
Me today: 2pm time for bed