Using my new fishing technique I have taunted all the fish in the pond that if they weren’t stupid dumb cowards they would come on land and fight me. Now, we wait.
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Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
Me *hesitates to do CPR on a friend who’s on the floor, unconscious*: What if he comes back as a zombie
911 Operator: No, he’d have to be dead awhile, then reanimated through some kind of disease vector or lightning storm.
Me: Thank you!
Operator: That’s what we’re here for.
Wife: please don’t let our daughter dress herself anymore.
Me: oh. wow. ok.
Wife: what?
Me: nothing, it’s fine.
Wife: you dressed her this morning didn’t you?
When your relationship runs into a problem you can’t figure out, simply use BEDMAS to solve
Bacon
Eggs
Drinks
Meds
And
Sex
Week three of my new job, they’re all cunts.
There’s a weekly team call at 9am every Monday, what’s wrong with these people???
It must be hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest. I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.
Person: “I have a friend in a wheelchair, do you know him?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have a friend who’s stupid, do you know him?”
Q: What isn’t yours after you lick it?
A: Envelope
FFS. A bunch of ants are making brunch plans and doing yoga,because I spilled my Pumpkin Spice Latte,
Noah could only fish twice.
Why?
He only had two worms.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
her, deep in thought: *does that cute thing where she puts the tip of the frames of her glasses in her mouth*
me, deeper in thought: *eats my glasses*
I asked my cat if I’m passive aggressive and she ignored me.
I hope I don’t forget to feed her tonight.
I wish Adele would hurry up and put out another album so I could end this relationship.
Just landed my first triple axel tripping over the cat
i can never allow myself to acknowledge tripping in public i always gotta add another couple leaps like i’m an Olympic triple jumper
POV: Your company’s HR director is about to fire you on a Zoom call
Bartender – Would you like to try our pumpkin beer?
Me – Can I have a different bartender please?
Me: Sometimes I cannot think of anything to say.
She: And yet you don’t shut up.
Why do people draw sunglasses on the sun? It’s like, dude, he’s the sun. They make sunglasses because of him.
Me: I have the body of a pro wrestler.
Her: OMG I love The Rock.
Me: Oh, totes, but what are your feelings on sumo?
“Voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop.”
-corduroys
Me: the enemy of my enemy is my friend
Enemy of my enemy: no, i don’t like you either
The first person who saw a kangaroo reach into its pouch never fuckin’ thought it’d yank another little kangaroo outta there
we shouldn’t limit ourselves to asking for autographs from actors and pro athletes and musicians. i want a work boot signed by the best forklift operator at the warehouse
“Hey kids, you like candy?” I said to my own kids, luring them into my van so I could get them to school and be at work on time.
How does a cricket know if his joke has bombed?
In what room do you guys hang the portrait of yourself as a centaur? I was thinking kitchen. The bedroom is kinda cliche
10yo just came to me, so excited to share about a “new artist” he discovered who sounds “just like Alexander Hamilton.”
Anyways it was Eminem.
LEAVE ME ALONE GRANDMA I’M ENTERTAINING LITERALLY TENS OF PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET
What does it mean when you’re flirting with a guy and he’s just crying and holding up a crucifix?